First of all, my job / project ended and I had to look for another assignment again. I told myself that I will focus on searching for something more "regular" and less project related, with better hours. It happens every now and then for me so it wasn't a big deal.
But then my marriage broke down.
Unbeknownst to me, my husband had it in his mind that we would split. That sent my life reeling. There wasn't anything serious in my mind. I worked long hours at work as I have done for the longest time. After work, back at home, I still did most of the housework. I was going through the motions and hoping that he would eventually grow up and behave better, be more considerate and helpful. I gave him the space that I thought he needed to think things through.
Somehow, he was very unhappy. Even after many conversations, probing and formal counselling, I still couldn't understand his reasons. I added flavor / chilli flakes on the pizza he made... yes, that was one of the reasons. There was vague allegations of me supposedly making him feel less of a person / like a single in the marriage but there was nothing concrete. Somehow, it became intolerable to live with me even though he was the one shouting, banging things, throwing tantrums and generally being a brat at home. In a moment of weakness, he told me that he considered beating me before, but in reality, even with all the verbal abuse, he has never raised a hand against me.
If I were to be honest, I wasn't happy in the marriage. I felt like I was the mother, leader, worker, caregiver... all the hard work but none of the enjoyment. He was throwing tantrums and shouting and nitpicking all the time, to the point where I would avoid him whenever I can so that I don't become the victim of his verbal abuse. Even his extended family noticed his behaviour. He didn't help out at home much and if he did help out a tiny bit, he expected high praise. We had no sex life because there was something wrong with him, and yet, he said that it was my fault.
I tried to process it with a counsellor and close church friends. I processed through all the pain and the confusion and finally came to the conclusion that I would never understand his reasons. The counsellor did tell me that I was trying to rescue the ex when he didn't want to be rescued. He felt small because every time he shirked from his responsibility, I would step up and lead. He felt small with me. And because he expected me to read his mind, I never knew what he truly thought or felt.
That puzzled me greatly because that was never my intention.
The counsellor told me that even if I couldn't reconcile the logic behind the split, that I should accept that he doesn't care for me anymore and that he has moved on and that I should move on too. I was told point blank by friends and family that I was being verbally / emotionally abused and I should snap out of it.
The counsellor challenged me that sub-consciously, I did realise that something was wrong and I had unwittingly built a very strong support network from church and close friends and family in my time of need.
It took many months but now, I feel ready to step out and face the world again. a few months ago. I started on a new job. I took my time in the search and I have tried to face my demons directly, not looking to the right or to the left.
In this time, I did some other things as well... I did an exercise to complete reading the 66 books of the bible in 66 days. In reality, it took me longer than 70 days to finish reading the bible but somehow it kept me very occupied and pulled me out of my darkest moments.
I started attending a cell group at church as well. I've been going to the same church regularly for 3 years but have never been active. Now, I am slowly getting more integrated into the church as well.
My marriage is ending soon. But my life is still evolving.
I thank God for being with me in this time of my life, for sending me good counsel and godly friends that just seem to know when I am approaching my darkest hour. These people around me are truly my support and have many a time, pulled me out during my lowest moments.
I am grateful.
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