Walking out of the dark

Right after my last post, my life changed.

First of all, my job / project ended and I had to look for another assignment again. I told myself that I will focus on searching for something more "regular" and less project related, with better hours. It happens every now and then for me so it wasn't a big deal.

But then my marriage broke down.

Unbeknownst to me, my husband had it in his mind that we would split. That sent my life reeling. There wasn't anything serious in my mind. I worked long hours at work as I have done for the longest time. After work, back at home, I still did most of the housework. I was going through the motions and hoping that he would eventually grow up and behave better, be more considerate and helpful. I gave him the space that I thought he needed to think things through.

Somehow, he was very unhappy. Even after many conversations, probing and formal counselling, I still couldn't understand his reasons. I added flavor / chilli flakes on the pizza he made... yes, that was one of the reasons. There was vague allegations of me supposedly making him feel less of a person / like a single in the marriage but there was nothing concrete. Somehow, it became intolerable to live with me even though he was the one shouting, banging things, throwing tantrums and generally being a brat at home. In a moment of weakness, he told me that he considered beating me before, but in reality, even with all the verbal abuse, he has never raised a hand against me.

If I were to be honest, I wasn't happy in the marriage. I felt like I was the mother, leader, worker, caregiver... all the hard work but none of the enjoyment. He was throwing tantrums and shouting and nitpicking all the time, to the point where I would avoid him whenever I can so that I don't become the victim of his verbal abuse. Even his extended family noticed his behaviour. He didn't help out at home much and if he did help out a tiny bit, he expected high praise. We had no sex life because there was something wrong with him, and yet, he said that it was my fault.

I tried to process it with a counsellor and close church friends. I processed through all the pain and the confusion and finally came to the conclusion that  I would never understand his reasons. The counsellor did tell me that I was trying to rescue the ex when he didn't want to be rescued. He felt small because every time he shirked from his responsibility, I would step up and lead. He felt small with me. And because he expected me to read his mind, I never knew what he truly thought or felt.

That puzzled me greatly because that was never my intention. 

The counsellor told me that even if I couldn't reconcile the logic behind the split, that I should accept that he doesn't care for me anymore and that he has moved on and that I should move on too. I was told point blank by friends and family that I was being verbally / emotionally abused and I should snap out of it.

The counsellor challenged me that sub-consciously, I did realise that something was wrong and I had unwittingly built a very strong support network from church and close friends and family in my time of need. 

It took many months but now, I feel ready to step out and face the world again. a few months ago. I started on a new job. I took my time in the search and I have tried to face my demons directly, not looking to the right or to the left.

In this time, I did some other things as well... I did an exercise to complete reading the 66 books of the bible in 66 days. In reality, it took me longer than 70 days to finish reading the bible but somehow it kept me very occupied and pulled me out of my darkest moments. 

I started attending a cell group at church as well. I've been going to the same church regularly for 3 years but have never been active. Now, I am slowly getting more integrated into the church as well.

My marriage is ending soon. But my life is still evolving. 

I thank God for being with me in this time of my life, for sending me good counsel and godly friends that just seem to know when I am approaching my darkest hour. These people around me are truly my support and have many a time, pulled me out during my lowest moments.

I am grateful.

The story of the Prodigal Son... a review.

I was reading my old posts in this blog when I read a post I wrote in 2010 about behaving like a pharisee... I also alluded to the story of the Prodigal Son from the bible. This extract was taken from my prayer journal and it was something that I wrote back in 2017.

Clearly, there has been a change in my thinking and I just wanted to be able to record it down and cross reference it as I get older, that is IF I actually remember that I have a blog. One Sunday in 2017, I was listening to pastor was retelling the story of the prodigal son at church. As a child, I was puzzled at why the Father would forgive his wayward younger son but, I was happy to know that if I misbehaved, the story tells me that the Heavenly Father would still forgive me.

As I got older and read the story on my own, I felt that I could empathize with the older son's feelings when the Father celebrated the return of the prodigal son. I have had the feelings of being sore, 

of having suffered and felt shortchanged in my life although I have strived to do the right things, toe the line and be the best person that I could be. I could so totally understand the older brother's anger and frustration. 

Now that I am older still (middle-aged ... Yah), I feel that I can understand a bit better the heart of the Father and I would like to remember that everything the Father had belonged to the elder son. I was to remember that the younger son had given up and squandered his inheritance. There was no need for the elder brother to be frustrated at the Father welcoming back the prodigal son with open arms. There is enough. Like the Father, the older brother should at least attempt to open his heart to his younger brother.

At that point when I wrote the paragraphs in the prayer journal, my soul was being convicted as I was upset about things that were unfair, unjust and about bad people, lazy people, entitled people getting away with things. I was full of self-pity and was working myself up. I was behaving exactly like the older son in the story in his indignation and yet I was struggling to be gracious and forgiving.

Then, I was pointed to a new (then) viral video of a girl who was born without arms, abandoned at birth and still pursuing her dreams of playing the piano and singing. 

Watching her play, I couldn't stop crying... then I was reminded how entitled we who are so blessed are. I still can't watch her perform without crying, I can't find the original video with her full story but here is a video of her performance. 

https://youtu.be/uYbQJbHhne4

After watching that, how can I complain... it's a good reminder... I shall post this up.

Good grief, I still have a blog.

The last time I came across this page was several years ago. Just how many online cookie crumbs do I have? I really don't know.

Hrmmph, and so, what has happened in the last few years?

I got married, yeah.
We bought a flat to live in. Woohoo! my own property.
I got 3 cats (rather, the husband got 3 cats, I am merely the feeder, cleaner and caretaker...)
I changed jobs several times, which isn't surprising since I do project work.
I became much closer to God in my Christian journey and have been attending church regularly for a few years now and believe I have matured.

Oh... I turned 40 a couple of years ago.

You know, as I was reading my old posts, it struck me that I was certainly a miserable... or rather, melancholic person.
I'd like to think that this has changed somewhat. I believe I now have a sunnier disposition.
I am still passionate and I feel strongly about certain issues but.... I guess, I did mellow with time.

What about the world around me, how has it changed? Well, we all know that blogs are so 1990s and 2000s. In the 2010s, it is all about the smartphone. Every other thing can be done on the smartphone. You can surf the internet, learn, watch TV and movies, read the bible / quran, read news & posts, take photographs that are better quality than some point and shoot cameras, use the phone as GPS, a media player, a shopping and payments / banking tool too.

Yeah, I think the 2020s are going to be all about artificial intelligence and IoT. These have actually been around for a while now but the signs are clear, they are going to turn mainstream soon.

In the 2000s, a phone was only for calls and SMSes. Then in the 2010s, we started watching movies and surfing the internet on our smartphones en masse. After that, came all manner of social media such as Facebook, Twitter, Snapchat, Wechat, WhatsApp, Skype, etc. I was a laggard in the smartphone revolution. My 1st smartphone was an entry level HTC in 2010 considering that the 1st iphone was released in 2007, I was slow.

After that, I graduated to several Samsungs, the S3, Note 4 and now Note 8. I am still considered slow in changing phones, I change them an average of once every 2-3 years, usually when the phone batteries start to die. The iphones that I have had are always work ones. I still much prefer Android to IOS. It feels more familiar to me.

But even for me, the smartphone is now an indispensable tool and I think more of our lives will go online, on the cloud... whatever. Just 3 years ago, I wouldn't buy things online because I was afraid of credit card fraud. Now, buying things online is the norm.

Just 2 years ago, I wouldn't do any mobile payments. Now, I do have a mobile payment account that I use occasionally. There will be malls and supermarkets (even now) that use only epayments. Blockchain and bitcoin may eventually enter our lives as well, who knows.

The pace is accelerating and we need to change along with it.
Keeping the right attitude, looking forward and upward is the way to go.

My thoughts on Writing

It makes me a little sad to say that I haven’t been writing anything personal for a very long time. Of course, I do write a lot of emails at work and I do ‘write’ a lot of presentations and work related stuff. I guess what I meant is that I haven’t put my personal thoughts into words for a while.

A long time ago, I used to write short stories. I probably still have a printed copy somewhere but the original softcopy is probably long gone. I also used to write plays. That again is something that I have not done in a very long time.

I also used to draw comics. They were ok, I guess and they reflected my thoughts sometimes better than words could. They were also considerably harder and took longer than writing. But there, I used to write and I used to draw. So what happened?

I guess I grew up. I got taken over by responsibilities and plans. Things I needed to do, places I needed to go, money I needed to earn and save. As a result, hobbies such as reading and writing and drawing ended up being things that I had no time for. If I wasn’t working, I was at home cleaning up and doing the endless chores around the house. Otherwise, I would be doing research on my next investment, or my next holiday trip that may or may not materialise. Or I would be doing silly time wasting stuff like trawling Facebook, playing games on my smartphone or shopping online.

Eeekk….! Putting words onto paper suddenly made me realise that I have not been spending my precious time as well as I should. I have stopped doing things that made use of my great big brain and wonderful intellect. I have been remiss in my own personal growth.

I hope this post will be one of many posts to come.

PS. I shall change the name from Grumbles to something else. I think I have become a lot more positive in the last few years and grumbling just doesn’t seem right.  

Woohoo... I have a blog?

I was fiddling with my google account today and realised that hey, I have an 'active' blog. It's still there... although I haven't posted anything in it for years and years.

As I was reading through the few posts that I have.. I realised that it has been used as an online diary of sorts, albeit a boring online diary with no new posts and hardly anything interesting.... So... what has happened to me since I last posted in this blog... let me see.

I have grown... both in size and as a person. *giggles* Well, I truly need to lose weight now, I'm seriously overweight as I am heading into middle age and I need to get my health and weight in order. I occasionally exercise so it's not all bad, I'm overweight but not sickly and unhealthy.
I have grown into a more quietly confident person, grateful for the blessings that I have and conscious that I should share my blessings and bless others.

I have grown quieter and more thoughtful. I was always a person who has strong opinions and am not afraid to speak my mind. As I get older however, I am more choosy with my words and with how I spread my time and energy out. There are things that I just let go of because they are not important to me. That's not to say that I fade in the background. I generally don't do that, but I choose sometimes not to stand out and to hold my peace.

I have gotten married and hubby and I have 2 cute cats. They are like our furbabies. I don't know if we'll ever have kids though. Age isn't exactly on our side but if we do, it will be a blessing and if we don't, it is God's will.

There, that's it. My 3 years in short paragraphs.

A New Year

Life's been good to me. All things considered.

There has been ups and downs for sure, and there has been good times as well as the not so good. However, in the greater scheme of things, I have been most fortunate.

For one thing, I have friends and family that love me. My rounder half has finally proposed and well, once we find a home, we'll start planning the wedding.

I also have a new addition to my family, a baby nephew. I am so glad that God has blessed my sister with a son to replace the one that she had lost.

It's going to be Chinese New Year soon. Happy New Year to all!

Life's good

Ah, I have not posted anything into this blog for a very very long time.

My life has been good and positive. I started working a few days after my last post in a job that I did not expect but is a pretty good fit in an office culture that suits me very well.

There are still ups and downs of course but I am mostly happy and there is little for me to complain about.

I do not know what to make of things

I think I have been in this state for a very long time.

Today, a door finally opened for me and all it remains is for me to walk through it.
Unfortunately, the door is one that leads to a rocky uncertain road.

I tried to talk to my loved one and that opened up another can of worms. Unknown to me, my choices have also affected him badly and I feel doubly guilty about it all. It is fine and dandy if I were to suffer for my own choices but it hurts really bad when the very people that care for me are hurt by it too.

I bought myself a few days time but I will need to deal with things swiftly and decisively.

I am in a massive bind.

Holy Father, this would be a very very good time to show me your power in my life.

With God all things are possible.

Not knowing what to make of things

Things haven't changed for me. I am getting more and more worried by the day. I pray, I study and I do all that I know to do and see as necessary.

This whole year has been a year of closed doors. Ok, it is more a year or doors opening and just as I am getting through, BAM! it slams in my face and I get hurt... over and over.

It is getting hard and I have changed.

My faith has changed too. It has waxed and waned at times. There are times I am resolute and hopeful but more often than not, I am sceptical. Right now, because I have been so hurt, my faith is falling off a precipice. After an intercession prayer yesterday with a close friend, I received a call for an interview.

Unfortunately, doors slamming in my face and walls has happened too often so I cannot find in myself the hope or joy.

How I became a pharisee...

As a child, one of the tales told to me in school was the tale of the Prodigal son. It was one of those tales that had many layers and many perspectives to me as I grew up.

The tale of the Father with the 2 sons, one carefree and impetuous (hence prodigal) while the other one dutiful and legalistic to the extreme (let's call him a pharisee).

When I was young, I could only understand the part about the younger prodigal son. The lesson I learnt then was that our Heavenly Father welcomes back anyone who repents his ways and will meet us halfway in joy.

As I grew up, I started to question the story because I had started to take notice of the perdicament of the other brother, the dutiful one. He was very angry when the Father welcomed back the prodigal son with open arms and a party whilst he felt that he did not receive anything in his dutiful obedience.

I felt for the other brother because I lived my life as a pharisee too. I did the right things, did my duty, fulfilled my obligations as best I could. Tried again and again to do more good although in my heart, there was great anger and resentment.

In short, it was painful drudgery.

Like the pharisee brother, I too could not see that I did not understand the heart of the Father. I was so mired in my responsibilities and the burdens I carried and, my thinking that doing the right thing was the only thing, that I could not recognise the Father's love and that all the trappings of doing good works and outward performance isn't the most important thing.

"Everything I have is yours". That was what the father said. It always was.

It is lesson that I am slowly learning.

We are saved by grace, not by good works.

closed doors and frustration.

Like anyone else, I get frustrated when I get doors close in my face, especially those leading to things and places and roles that I believe I will do well in and want.

In times like these, my faith does take a battering. But then I come upon something that so enlightens me and gives me just a little bit more strength to persevere.

http://www.lifevesting.com/blog/2010/03/closed-doors/

I quote using their dogs as an analogy;

"I am the door closer and I do it with good reason. I’m closing the door to prevent them from making bad choices, to protect them from harm, or so they can fulfill their purpose in our family. (How’s that for a 3 point sermon all beginning with p – how long have I been in a Baptist church??)

I close a door to keep my overweight older dog in the room where I provide the food that best meets his needs. This also prevents him from eating the puppy food in the room where my puppy eats. If he had access to that little bowl of calories the puppy needs, he would have a blistful dining experience eating the puppy chow, but it could cost him his health. The puppy would also love eating the adult dog’s food on the other side of his door, but again, it would not provide him with the nutrients a puppy needs.

My front door stays closed to my dogs for their protection, too. On the safe side of that door is warmth, comfort, and those who love them. On the other side of that door is a street where cars don’t always stop for short little dogs they can’t see. There is also a very large bird living nearby – “seeking whom he may devour” – like one of the unfortunate squirrels my husband saw him carry away to his treetop nest. That is not to say, however, that they never get to enter that “outside world” – but they only go through the front door with a leash I am firmly gripping and through the back door when we’re keeping a close eye on them. They have no idea. They’re dogs. We’re not."

It is yet another lesson learnt.

Updates to my job search...

On Easter Sunday, I was given an opportunity to interview for a company I liked for what seemed like my dream job. I thought I did very well during the interview. I had the attitude, skills and experience necessary for the job.

Yesterday, I was rejected for the position in an e-mail. I was really upset for like 45 mins because I really thought that the job was a perfect fit. Then I picked myself up, dusted my feet and went online to look for other positions.

This morning, I woke up early and decided that I should work out my unhappiness and disappointment with a good long run. It looked like it was going to storm but I went out anyway. The weather held up and I ran/walked with all the energy I had despite fighting a sore throat and a slight fever.

By the time I came back, my endorphins had kicked in and I felt pretty good about myself.

Exercise is a most excellent way to vent. I had forgotten what it felt like to vent all of life's frustrations by simply hitting the road and running. It was something I used to do regularly 5 years and 15 kgs lighter ago.

Oh, there is a silver lining. I have lost about 2 kg in the last week by running every other morning.

I think I would like for this blog to remain secular and not have it be entirely about my internal struggles with religion and with god.

I need to remind myself that.

Anyway, I am very pleased that Malaysia has finally started awarding scholarships out on merit rather than based on the quota for bumiputeras. It is very late but I hope that it is still yet not too late. For the last 4 decades, Malaysia has been churning out 2nd rate scholars and leaders because of the quota system and the abuses by the priviledged Malays or those linked to UMNO. This has kept out the brightest non-bumi students and underpriviledged malays from the very opportunities they would have needed to become 1st rate scholars in Malaysia.

That these very same Datuks and anak datuks who abuse the system then go to Singapore for medical treatment from the very same Malaysian (Singapore PR) doctors who were denied opportunities for medical school and scholarships because of their race is pure irony.

That locals, if given a choice, would prefer not to have a Malay doctor because they fear that the doctor may not be competent due to the quota system is poetic justice.

I hope it is not too late. Malaysia is still my land of birth and I wish it well.

Happy Easter

Good Friday came and went without incident.

Things went on as normally as they would on Saturday as C passed me the Recruit section of the Newspaper. Instead of waiting for Sunday or Monday morning as is my norm, I spent the afternoon poring over the recruit section only to send out ONE single application.

The application was for a company that I really liked but the description was vague and didn't quite look as if they were looking for someone of my profile. I put in the application anyway which is quite rare given that I am usually pretty selective. Since it was a public holiday long weekend, I didn't expect a reply anytime soon.

Imagine my surprise as I checked my e-mail on sunday (Yes, Easter!) evening to find that I had been asked to attend an interview the very next day for the application that I put in the day before. I found out during the interview that the job was just exactly the one that I had been looking for in the kind of company that I had been looking for is just ... a miracle. There, I've said it...

Why the spot of serendipity happened on Easter Sunday through Monday itself, I have no idea. I am however very grateful for it and I hope and I pray that I get the job.

Thank you, Jesus.

Good Friday

I did a Bible 'dip' yesterday when I was in one of my bad moods. It was an interesting one to say the least I actually felt the 4th finger of my right hand twitch to the last page of the bible to a line that says...

"The Faith Chapter: Hebrews 11:1-40"

That was interesting. Usually when I do bible dips, I often come up with gibberish that I cannot understand. When I turned to the pages with Hebrews 11... I felt the same finger twitch again towards Hebrews 12 instead... This is where I ended up

4In your struggle against sin, you have not yet resisted to the point of shedding your blood. 5And you have forgotten that word of encouragement that addresses you as sons:

"My son, do not make light of the Lord's discipline,
and do not lose heart when he rebukes you,
6because the Lord disciplines those he loves,
and he punishes everyone he accepts as a son."

7Endure hardship as discipline; God is treating you as sons. For what son is not disciplined by his father? 8If you are not disciplined (and everyone undergoes discipline), then you are illegitimate children and not true sons. 9Moreover, we have all had human fathers who disciplined us and we respected them for it. How much more should we submit to the Father of our spirits and live! 10Our fathers disciplined us for a little while as they thought best; but God disciplines us for our good, that we may share in his holiness. 11No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.

12Therefore, strengthen your feeble arms and weak knees. 13"Make level paths for your feet," so that the lame may not be disabled, but rather healed.

So, this is discipline and a test of endurance? That I would have faith...

Anyway, so there I was, alternating between hopeful anticipation and depression at still being unemployed. The magic 8 ball, that had been a gift from darling C had been turned, shaken and played with for all its worth. I was feeling more than a little bit cuckoo.

Anyway, I did a second bible dip sometime after midnight... without realising it, I had been awake through to Good Friday... by playing computer games... I am naughty, I know. I told myself that Good Friday was the day of Jesus' crucifixation and the least I could do was to read one of the passages of the New Testament to commemorate it... I turned to Mark and started reading... this was the passage that really resounded with me.

22"Have faith in God," Jesus answered. 23"I tell you the truth, if anyone says to this mountain, 'Go, throw yourself into the sea,' and does not doubt in his heart but believes that what he says will happen, it will be done for him.

24Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours. 25And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive him, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins."

*Contented smile*