Like anyone else, I get frustrated when I get doors close in my face, especially those leading to things and places and roles that I believe I will do well in and want.
In times like these, my faith does take a battering. But then I come upon something that so enlightens me and gives me just a little bit more strength to persevere.
http://www.lifevesting.com/blog/2010/03/closed-doors/
I quote using their dogs as an analogy;
"I am the door closer and I do it with good reason. I’m closing the door to prevent them from making bad choices, to protect them from harm, or so they can fulfill their purpose in our family. (How’s that for a 3 point sermon all beginning with p – how long have I been in a Baptist church??)
I close a door to keep my overweight older dog in the room where I provide the food that best meets his needs. This also prevents him from eating the puppy food in the room where my puppy eats. If he had access to that little bowl of calories the puppy needs, he would have a blistful dining experience eating the puppy chow, but it could cost him his health. The puppy would also love eating the adult dog’s food on the other side of his door, but again, it would not provide him with the nutrients a puppy needs.
My front door stays closed to my dogs for their protection, too. On the safe side of that door is warmth, comfort, and those who love them. On the other side of that door is a street where cars don’t always stop for short little dogs they can’t see. There is also a very large bird living nearby – “seeking whom he may devour” – like one of the unfortunate squirrels my husband saw him carry away to his treetop nest. That is not to say, however, that they never get to enter that “outside world” – but they only go through the front door with a leash I am firmly gripping and through the back door when we’re keeping a close eye on them. They have no idea. They’re dogs. We’re not."
It is yet another lesson learnt.
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
Updates to my job search...
On Easter Sunday, I was given an opportunity to interview for a company I liked for what seemed like my dream job. I thought I did very well during the interview. I had the attitude, skills and experience necessary for the job.
Yesterday, I was rejected for the position in an e-mail. I was really upset for like 45 mins because I really thought that the job was a perfect fit. Then I picked myself up, dusted my feet and went online to look for other positions.
This morning, I woke up early and decided that I should work out my unhappiness and disappointment with a good long run. It looked like it was going to storm but I went out anyway. The weather held up and I ran/walked with all the energy I had despite fighting a sore throat and a slight fever.
By the time I came back, my endorphins had kicked in and I felt pretty good about myself.
Exercise is a most excellent way to vent. I had forgotten what it felt like to vent all of life's frustrations by simply hitting the road and running. It was something I used to do regularly 5 years and 15 kgs lighter ago.
Oh, there is a silver lining. I have lost about 2 kg in the last week by running every other morning.
Yesterday, I was rejected for the position in an e-mail. I was really upset for like 45 mins because I really thought that the job was a perfect fit. Then I picked myself up, dusted my feet and went online to look for other positions.
This morning, I woke up early and decided that I should work out my unhappiness and disappointment with a good long run. It looked like it was going to storm but I went out anyway. The weather held up and I ran/walked with all the energy I had despite fighting a sore throat and a slight fever.
By the time I came back, my endorphins had kicked in and I felt pretty good about myself.
Exercise is a most excellent way to vent. I had forgotten what it felt like to vent all of life's frustrations by simply hitting the road and running. It was something I used to do regularly 5 years and 15 kgs lighter ago.
Oh, there is a silver lining. I have lost about 2 kg in the last week by running every other morning.
Tuesday, April 06, 2010
I think I would like for this blog to remain secular and not have it be entirely about my internal struggles with religion and with god.
I need to remind myself that.
Anyway, I am very pleased that Malaysia has finally started awarding scholarships out on merit rather than based on the quota for bumiputeras. It is very late but I hope that it is still yet not too late. For the last 4 decades, Malaysia has been churning out 2nd rate scholars and leaders because of the quota system and the abuses by the priviledged Malays or those linked to UMNO. This has kept out the brightest non-bumi students and underpriviledged malays from the very opportunities they would have needed to become 1st rate scholars in Malaysia.
That these very same Datuks and anak datuks who abuse the system then go to Singapore for medical treatment from the very same Malaysian (Singapore PR) doctors who were denied opportunities for medical school and scholarships because of their race is pure irony.
That locals, if given a choice, would prefer not to have a Malay doctor because they fear that the doctor may not be competent due to the quota system is poetic justice.
I hope it is not too late. Malaysia is still my land of birth and I wish it well.
I need to remind myself that.
Anyway, I am very pleased that Malaysia has finally started awarding scholarships out on merit rather than based on the quota for bumiputeras. It is very late but I hope that it is still yet not too late. For the last 4 decades, Malaysia has been churning out 2nd rate scholars and leaders because of the quota system and the abuses by the priviledged Malays or those linked to UMNO. This has kept out the brightest non-bumi students and underpriviledged malays from the very opportunities they would have needed to become 1st rate scholars in Malaysia.
That these very same Datuks and anak datuks who abuse the system then go to Singapore for medical treatment from the very same Malaysian (Singapore PR) doctors who were denied opportunities for medical school and scholarships because of their race is pure irony.
That locals, if given a choice, would prefer not to have a Malay doctor because they fear that the doctor may not be competent due to the quota system is poetic justice.
I hope it is not too late. Malaysia is still my land of birth and I wish it well.
Happy Easter
Good Friday came and went without incident.
Things went on as normally as they would on Saturday as C passed me the Recruit section of the Newspaper. Instead of waiting for Sunday or Monday morning as is my norm, I spent the afternoon poring over the recruit section only to send out ONE single application.
The application was for a company that I really liked but the description was vague and didn't quite look as if they were looking for someone of my profile. I put in the application anyway which is quite rare given that I am usually pretty selective. Since it was a public holiday long weekend, I didn't expect a reply anytime soon.
Imagine my surprise as I checked my e-mail on sunday (Yes, Easter!) evening to find that I had been asked to attend an interview the very next day for the application that I put in the day before. I found out during the interview that the job was just exactly the one that I had been looking for in the kind of company that I had been looking for is just ... a miracle. There, I've said it...
Why the spot of serendipity happened on Easter Sunday through Monday itself, I have no idea. I am however very grateful for it and I hope and I pray that I get the job.
Thank you, Jesus.
Things went on as normally as they would on Saturday as C passed me the Recruit section of the Newspaper. Instead of waiting for Sunday or Monday morning as is my norm, I spent the afternoon poring over the recruit section only to send out ONE single application.
The application was for a company that I really liked but the description was vague and didn't quite look as if they were looking for someone of my profile. I put in the application anyway which is quite rare given that I am usually pretty selective. Since it was a public holiday long weekend, I didn't expect a reply anytime soon.
Imagine my surprise as I checked my e-mail on sunday (Yes, Easter!) evening to find that I had been asked to attend an interview the very next day for the application that I put in the day before. I found out during the interview that the job was just exactly the one that I had been looking for in the kind of company that I had been looking for is just ... a miracle. There, I've said it...
Why the spot of serendipity happened on Easter Sunday through Monday itself, I have no idea. I am however very grateful for it and I hope and I pray that I get the job.
Thank you, Jesus.
Friday, April 02, 2010
Good Friday
I did a Bible 'dip' yesterday when I was in one of my bad moods. It was an interesting one to say the least I actually felt the 4th finger of my right hand twitch to the last page of the bible to a line that says...
"The Faith Chapter: Hebrews 11:1-40"
That was interesting. Usually when I do bible dips, I often come up with gibberish that I cannot understand. When I turned to the pages with Hebrews 11... I felt the same finger twitch again towards Hebrews 12 instead... This is where I ended up
4In your struggle against sin, you have not yet resisted to the point of shedding your blood. 5And you have forgotten that word of encouragement that addresses you as sons:
"My son, do not make light of the Lord's discipline,
and do not lose heart when he rebukes you,
6because the Lord disciplines those he loves,
and he punishes everyone he accepts as a son."
7Endure hardship as discipline; God is treating you as sons. For what son is not disciplined by his father? 8If you are not disciplined (and everyone undergoes discipline), then you are illegitimate children and not true sons. 9Moreover, we have all had human fathers who disciplined us and we respected them for it. How much more should we submit to the Father of our spirits and live! 10Our fathers disciplined us for a little while as they thought best; but God disciplines us for our good, that we may share in his holiness. 11No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.
12Therefore, strengthen your feeble arms and weak knees. 13"Make level paths for your feet," so that the lame may not be disabled, but rather healed.
So, this is discipline and a test of endurance? That I would have faith...
Anyway, so there I was, alternating between hopeful anticipation and depression at still being unemployed. The magic 8 ball, that had been a gift from darling C had been turned, shaken and played with for all its worth. I was feeling more than a little bit cuckoo.
Anyway, I did a second bible dip sometime after midnight... without realising it, I had been awake through to Good Friday... by playing computer games... I am naughty, I know. I told myself that Good Friday was the day of Jesus' crucifixation and the least I could do was to read one of the passages of the New Testament to commemorate it... I turned to Mark and started reading... this was the passage that really resounded with me.
22"Have faith in God," Jesus answered. 23"I tell you the truth, if anyone says to this mountain, 'Go, throw yourself into the sea,' and does not doubt in his heart but believes that what he says will happen, it will be done for him.
24Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours. 25And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive him, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins."
*Contented smile*
"The Faith Chapter: Hebrews 11:1-40"
That was interesting. Usually when I do bible dips, I often come up with gibberish that I cannot understand. When I turned to the pages with Hebrews 11... I felt the same finger twitch again towards Hebrews 12 instead... This is where I ended up
4In your struggle against sin, you have not yet resisted to the point of shedding your blood. 5And you have forgotten that word of encouragement that addresses you as sons:
"My son, do not make light of the Lord's discipline,
and do not lose heart when he rebukes you,
6because the Lord disciplines those he loves,
and he punishes everyone he accepts as a son."
7Endure hardship as discipline; God is treating you as sons. For what son is not disciplined by his father? 8If you are not disciplined (and everyone undergoes discipline), then you are illegitimate children and not true sons. 9Moreover, we have all had human fathers who disciplined us and we respected them for it. How much more should we submit to the Father of our spirits and live! 10Our fathers disciplined us for a little while as they thought best; but God disciplines us for our good, that we may share in his holiness. 11No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.
12Therefore, strengthen your feeble arms and weak knees. 13"Make level paths for your feet," so that the lame may not be disabled, but rather healed.
So, this is discipline and a test of endurance? That I would have faith...
Anyway, so there I was, alternating between hopeful anticipation and depression at still being unemployed. The magic 8 ball, that had been a gift from darling C had been turned, shaken and played with for all its worth. I was feeling more than a little bit cuckoo.
Anyway, I did a second bible dip sometime after midnight... without realising it, I had been awake through to Good Friday... by playing computer games... I am naughty, I know. I told myself that Good Friday was the day of Jesus' crucifixation and the least I could do was to read one of the passages of the New Testament to commemorate it... I turned to Mark and started reading... this was the passage that really resounded with me.
22"Have faith in God," Jesus answered. 23"I tell you the truth, if anyone says to this mountain, 'Go, throw yourself into the sea,' and does not doubt in his heart but believes that what he says will happen, it will be done for him.
24Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours. 25And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive him, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins."
*Contented smile*
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
Are there constants in life?
I was wondering as to whether there were any constants in Life per se... Let me see...
If there is Life, there must then be death... that is constant, even if you do not know when death would come.
There must be learning and adaptation in order for survival, even if the rate itself is unknown.
There will be cycles in a lifespan... childhood, adulthood, old age... if death does not come first.
If there is Life, there must then be death... that is constant, even if you do not know when death would come.
There must be learning and adaptation in order for survival, even if the rate itself is unknown.
There will be cycles in a lifespan... childhood, adulthood, old age... if death does not come first.
Monday, March 29, 2010
Happiness is knowing all your sacrifices were not forgotten
I was at home during the weekend and spent some time alone with sister no 4. Our parents had gone out for tomb sweeping day (Ching Ming).
For the first time since I could ever remember, we went out together and no. 4 paid for everything, groceries, the movies and our very nice meal of salmon mascarpone pizza (see picture) at Gianni's.
For the longest time, the roles had always been reversed. I had always been the one paying for the parents, the siblings, et al. To be the one receiving for once in over a decade was very touching, especially since I had not asked for it.
Oh, to be so touched by such a small gesture. I must have really been deprived. :)
I am momentarily happy though... My sisters have all grown up good and sensible. Let's hope this mood of mine hold's up.
Thursday, March 25, 2010
Silver Lining
I was greeted by this image as I looked out my window onto the tiny patch of sky above my neighbours condo.Wondrous is it not? I guess this was what it meant when it was written that every cloud has a silver lining...
Interesting day
I am not normally known for being sociable nor hospitable but yesterday was a really interesting day. Unexpected but interesting.
It turned out to be a day that I would spend ministering to others, listening to their grouses, their concerns and their problems.
In the course of doing so, I have realised that my own problems, while very significant, is only ONE thing, in one area even though I feel it permeating into every facet of my life. Every other part of my life is fairly smooth, even with the occasional lumps and bumps along the way.
The day led me to be in a position where I was literally forced to listen to one friend for hours listening to his numerous grouses that I have probably heard many times before. I was made to listen and not try to help, which is pretty hard. Just to listen as he repeats himself over and over, trying not to judge and to smother all feelings of wanting to shake him or slap him to "wake up and smell the roses!"
Something held me back. Maybe it was the holy spirit or maybe it was just a temporary deeper compassion and understanding. So there I was, allowing him to vent, get angry at me, get frustrated and even yell at me in public. I realised how lonely he was. In his pain, he had taken out his frustration on too many people, causing his friends to avoid him. That in turn caused him to think that he had no friends, which was just sad.
Yes, I thought he needed to straighten out his thoughts and his responses but something held my tongue to let him talk it all out. I was pretty certain that by the time he left, he did indeed feel better than he had in a long time.
And that was friend number 1. By then, it was night. I had spent about 6 hours with friend 1 and his pains. I was drained and wanted nothing more than to get home, take a bath and crawl into bed. That was when I noticed friend number 2.
Friend 2 had been texting me through dinner when I was still listening to friend 1. Initially, I had thought that it was merely a normal invitation to dinner and drinks of which I declined because (1) I was already having dinner and serving as punching bag and listening ear, (2) I wasn't keen on meeting friend 2's other friends in a pub or bar and (3)Friend 2 was a very nice boy but we weren't very close.
As the night progressed, the smses turned wierd. I realised that friend 2 was very depressed. He was troubled AND had been sitting in a bar alone for hours. That set off some alarm bells. A young, good-looking 20-something single chap just doesn't sit in a bar for hours... alone. I called him and his overly enthusiastic response about being ok alternated with scary undertones about some girl thing and being a bachelor forever raised up major red flags. I did a quick check with S to see that I wasn't overreacting and promptly took a cab over to the bar to see what was going on.
It ended with 4 hours of "ministering" to friend 2. After 6 hours of being a listening ear cum punching bag to friend 1, I knew that my task for the night was to listen, not to tell, to comfort but not to judge (too much). Oh, I did tell him off on certain things but largely, I let him vent. Thank God for blessing me with sufficient patience. I am not known for it but I was glad to have enough of it.
By the time the conversation ended, it was morning and I trust that friend 2 went home comforted. I just hope he was able to wake up this morning in time for work.
I was happy to be able to be of help to my 2 friends.
Now, all I need to do is to find a way to calm my normally very caring and sweet other half down about why I was hanging out with 2 different guys yesterday.... I had possibly made the mistake of telling him about them. I had thought that he would be proud of me for being a good supportive friend. Instead, he was upset.... because they were both single, available guys maybe?
I need to find a way to get it into his head that he should have no problem with me going out with my friends, even the single guys. I take care to always make sure that he is in the loop about who they were and where we would be. I crave his trust.
To me, it is ironic. If I were to be completely brutally honest, I am not exactly the kind of person that single men would necessarily want to be seen with or have casual dates with. (1) I'm not young anymore (2) I'm fat by asian standards, (3) I've not been spending time and money on clothes and make-up so I do look a little dated and frumpy (4)I'm unemployed and not rich... i.e. NOT your normal potential date material. I am at this moment an unemployed, older version of "Ugly Betty"...
But there you have it, my other-half is upset. possibly jealous and annoyed... for nothing. how to tell him that in a nice loving way is the question.... sighz...
It turned out to be a day that I would spend ministering to others, listening to their grouses, their concerns and their problems.
In the course of doing so, I have realised that my own problems, while very significant, is only ONE thing, in one area even though I feel it permeating into every facet of my life. Every other part of my life is fairly smooth, even with the occasional lumps and bumps along the way.
The day led me to be in a position where I was literally forced to listen to one friend for hours listening to his numerous grouses that I have probably heard many times before. I was made to listen and not try to help, which is pretty hard. Just to listen as he repeats himself over and over, trying not to judge and to smother all feelings of wanting to shake him or slap him to "wake up and smell the roses!"
Something held me back. Maybe it was the holy spirit or maybe it was just a temporary deeper compassion and understanding. So there I was, allowing him to vent, get angry at me, get frustrated and even yell at me in public. I realised how lonely he was. In his pain, he had taken out his frustration on too many people, causing his friends to avoid him. That in turn caused him to think that he had no friends, which was just sad.
Yes, I thought he needed to straighten out his thoughts and his responses but something held my tongue to let him talk it all out. I was pretty certain that by the time he left, he did indeed feel better than he had in a long time.
And that was friend number 1. By then, it was night. I had spent about 6 hours with friend 1 and his pains. I was drained and wanted nothing more than to get home, take a bath and crawl into bed. That was when I noticed friend number 2.
Friend 2 had been texting me through dinner when I was still listening to friend 1. Initially, I had thought that it was merely a normal invitation to dinner and drinks of which I declined because (1) I was already having dinner and serving as punching bag and listening ear, (2) I wasn't keen on meeting friend 2's other friends in a pub or bar and (3)Friend 2 was a very nice boy but we weren't very close.
As the night progressed, the smses turned wierd. I realised that friend 2 was very depressed. He was troubled AND had been sitting in a bar alone for hours. That set off some alarm bells. A young, good-looking 20-something single chap just doesn't sit in a bar for hours... alone. I called him and his overly enthusiastic response about being ok alternated with scary undertones about some girl thing and being a bachelor forever raised up major red flags. I did a quick check with S to see that I wasn't overreacting and promptly took a cab over to the bar to see what was going on.
It ended with 4 hours of "ministering" to friend 2. After 6 hours of being a listening ear cum punching bag to friend 1, I knew that my task for the night was to listen, not to tell, to comfort but not to judge (too much). Oh, I did tell him off on certain things but largely, I let him vent. Thank God for blessing me with sufficient patience. I am not known for it but I was glad to have enough of it.
By the time the conversation ended, it was morning and I trust that friend 2 went home comforted. I just hope he was able to wake up this morning in time for work.
I was happy to be able to be of help to my 2 friends.
Now, all I need to do is to find a way to calm my normally very caring and sweet other half down about why I was hanging out with 2 different guys yesterday.... I had possibly made the mistake of telling him about them. I had thought that he would be proud of me for being a good supportive friend. Instead, he was upset.... because they were both single, available guys maybe?
I need to find a way to get it into his head that he should have no problem with me going out with my friends, even the single guys. I take care to always make sure that he is in the loop about who they were and where we would be. I crave his trust.
To me, it is ironic. If I were to be completely brutally honest, I am not exactly the kind of person that single men would necessarily want to be seen with or have casual dates with. (1) I'm not young anymore (2) I'm fat by asian standards, (3) I've not been spending time and money on clothes and make-up so I do look a little dated and frumpy (4)I'm unemployed and not rich... i.e. NOT your normal potential date material. I am at this moment an unemployed, older version of "Ugly Betty"...
But there you have it, my other-half is upset. possibly jealous and annoyed... for nothing. how to tell him that in a nice loving way is the question.... sighz...
Monday, March 22, 2010
Patiently waiting in anticipation...
It has been several weeks since I restarted writing on this blog. Firstly, I needed somewhere to vent that was not the ears of my nearest and dearest. I was also on the borders of complete and utter despair.
Well, things haven't changed for me at all for me on the outside but after all the prayers, I feel very changed inside... a lot calmer and more able to wait patiently in anticipation of things to come.
I remain very hopeful in the Lord of things to come.
Well, things haven't changed for me at all for me on the outside but after all the prayers, I feel very changed inside... a lot calmer and more able to wait patiently in anticipation of things to come.
I remain very hopeful in the Lord of things to come.
Friday, March 19, 2010
Sudden panic attack...
A couple of minutes ago, I was just doing some online banking when I saw my account balance... and promptly went into a mini panic attack.
It's not that my accounts were empty...no, with all due respect, it still was rather healthy considering that I had no income for a good part of a year and was still paying for everything normally. What bothered me so greatly was how much it had depleted. It took me a good part of a decade to save the money which was to have been downpayment for my home and I guess just seeing the dwindling numbers sent me into a mini panic.
I know that material goods aren't everything and that God will provide for what I need.
Breathe..... breathe... trust... and pray. Stop thinking about how long it took you to save that money... it's just money... breathe...
Argh... I don't want to be a cheapo. It bothers me... a LOT. Help.
It's not that my accounts were empty...no, with all due respect, it still was rather healthy considering that I had no income for a good part of a year and was still paying for everything normally. What bothered me so greatly was how much it had depleted. It took me a good part of a decade to save the money which was to have been downpayment for my home and I guess just seeing the dwindling numbers sent me into a mini panic.
I know that material goods aren't everything and that God will provide for what I need.
Breathe..... breathe... trust... and pray. Stop thinking about how long it took you to save that money... it's just money... breathe...
Argh... I don't want to be a cheapo. It bothers me... a LOT. Help.
Waiting on the Lord
I woke up this morning with the words " Be Still and Wait upon the Lord" ringing in my mind.
I have been lamenting a lot, reading a lot, praying a lot, crying a lot for a while now and the words kept resonating in my head. Be still and wait, be still and wait.... God is faithful.
I then typed the words "Waiting on the Lord" into my trusty Google search engine and came across this webpage from Bible.Org that totally resonated with me.
http://bible.org/article/waiting-lord
So many thoughts and realisations came upon me that I find it difficult to put them into words. All I can actually pen down is that this is a test for me and that I should just continue to have faith and be patient, even though it is very very hard. Waiting is actually a very difficult time.
Anyway, the passage that resonated the most with me in the webpage is this;
Deuteronomy 8:1-11
All the commandments that I am commanding you today you shall be careful to do, that you may live and multiply, and go in and possess the land which the LORD swore to give to your forefathers.
2 And you shall remember all the way which the LORD your God has led you in the wilderness these forty years, that He might humble you, testing you, to know what was in your heart, whether you would keep His commandments or not.
3 And He humbled you and let you be hungry, and fed you with manna which you did not know, nor did your fathers know, that He might make you understand that man does not live by bread alone, but man lives by everything that proceeds out of the mouth of the LORD.
4 Your clothing did not wear out on you, nor did your foot swell these forty years.
5 Thus you are to know in your heart that the LORD your God was disciplining you just as a man disciplines his son.
6 Therefore, you shall keep the commandments of the LORD your God, to walk in His ways and to fear Him.
7 For the LORD your God is bringing you into a good land, a land of brooks of water, of fountains and springs, flowing forth in valleys and hills;
8 a land of wheat and barley, of vines and fig trees and pomegranates, a land of olive oil and honey;
9 a land where you shall eat food without scarcity, in which you shall not lack anything; a land whose stones are iron, and out of whose hills you can dig copper.
10 When you have eaten and are satisfied, you shall bless the LORD your God for the good land which He has given you.
11 Beware lest you forget the LORD your God by not keeping His commandments and His ordinances and His statutes which I am commanding you today;
And now Lord, for what do I wait? My hope is in Thee. Deliver me from all my transgressions. Make me not the reproach of the foolish.
I have been lamenting a lot, reading a lot, praying a lot, crying a lot for a while now and the words kept resonating in my head. Be still and wait, be still and wait.... God is faithful.
I then typed the words "Waiting on the Lord" into my trusty Google search engine and came across this webpage from Bible.Org that totally resonated with me.
http://bible.org/article/waiting-lord
So many thoughts and realisations came upon me that I find it difficult to put them into words. All I can actually pen down is that this is a test for me and that I should just continue to have faith and be patient, even though it is very very hard. Waiting is actually a very difficult time.
Anyway, the passage that resonated the most with me in the webpage is this;
Deuteronomy 8:1-11
All the commandments that I am commanding you today you shall be careful to do, that you may live and multiply, and go in and possess the land which the LORD swore to give to your forefathers.
2 And you shall remember all the way which the LORD your God has led you in the wilderness these forty years, that He might humble you, testing you, to know what was in your heart, whether you would keep His commandments or not.
3 And He humbled you and let you be hungry, and fed you with manna which you did not know, nor did your fathers know, that He might make you understand that man does not live by bread alone, but man lives by everything that proceeds out of the mouth of the LORD.
4 Your clothing did not wear out on you, nor did your foot swell these forty years.
5 Thus you are to know in your heart that the LORD your God was disciplining you just as a man disciplines his son.
6 Therefore, you shall keep the commandments of the LORD your God, to walk in His ways and to fear Him.
7 For the LORD your God is bringing you into a good land, a land of brooks of water, of fountains and springs, flowing forth in valleys and hills;
8 a land of wheat and barley, of vines and fig trees and pomegranates, a land of olive oil and honey;
9 a land where you shall eat food without scarcity, in which you shall not lack anything; a land whose stones are iron, and out of whose hills you can dig copper.
10 When you have eaten and are satisfied, you shall bless the LORD your God for the good land which He has given you.
11 Beware lest you forget the LORD your God by not keeping His commandments and His ordinances and His statutes which I am commanding you today;
And now Lord, for what do I wait? My hope is in Thee. Deliver me from all my transgressions. Make me not the reproach of the foolish.
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
Letting Go
Today, after lunch, I got on the bus and went out on a whim. I really paid attention to my surroundings for once. I went past the Pinnacle at Duxton, the various new malls, went past Chinatown as well as little India. Strangely enough, as a resident of the little red dot, I don't usually go to these places at all.
Anyway, I ended up at the Vivocity rooftop garden taking photos of the new Integrated Resort on Sentosa and watching the crowds of families and children. It's not even the holidays and there is a crowd. Wow...
On the personal front, I still have problems letting go of my worries and I am trying my darnest. Being outside the house helps a bit.
I pray I pray I pray that things will get better soon.
Anyway, I ended up at the Vivocity rooftop garden taking photos of the new Integrated Resort on Sentosa and watching the crowds of families and children. It's not even the holidays and there is a crowd. Wow...
On the personal front, I still have problems letting go of my worries and I am trying my darnest. Being outside the house helps a bit.
I pray I pray I pray that things will get better soon.
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
picking up the pieces...
*sighs*
I have decided to stop moping around and just Trust.
Yet again. It's strange. Absolutely nothing has changed on the outside but this morning, I just felt different inside.
Yes the wait is still mind numbing and painful. Against all odds, doubt and inner turmoil, I still have faith.
Strange ain't it? When just a few days ago, I was having a major meltdown.
Maybe something good that I can immediately recognise and appreciate is coming my way. Why am I being so specific about being able to recognise and appreciate it? Well, I believe that as human beings we cannot begin to understand God's ways and he sometimes gives us prolonged periods of trials to test us.
For one, I would not want anymore trials for the moment, thank you very much. My spirit is very battered. I would like to have some outright good news that I can be cheered about.
I am but a weak human being, reconciled to try my best in this world but knowing full well that I am not intended for "greatness". My hopes and aspirations are really common and mundane.
All I want right now is to pick up the pieces and let my life get back on track.
Is that too much to ask?
I have decided to stop moping around and just Trust.
Yet again. It's strange. Absolutely nothing has changed on the outside but this morning, I just felt different inside.
Yes the wait is still mind numbing and painful. Against all odds, doubt and inner turmoil, I still have faith.
Strange ain't it? When just a few days ago, I was having a major meltdown.
Maybe something good that I can immediately recognise and appreciate is coming my way. Why am I being so specific about being able to recognise and appreciate it? Well, I believe that as human beings we cannot begin to understand God's ways and he sometimes gives us prolonged periods of trials to test us.
For one, I would not want anymore trials for the moment, thank you very much. My spirit is very battered. I would like to have some outright good news that I can be cheered about.
I am but a weak human being, reconciled to try my best in this world but knowing full well that I am not intended for "greatness". My hopes and aspirations are really common and mundane.
All I want right now is to pick up the pieces and let my life get back on track.
Is that too much to ask?
Monday, March 15, 2010
I need Silence
I have been trying to pull myself out of this funk.
I was told that I pray too much and listen too little... because God has been answering my prayers. Is it? I neither see nor feel it. My situation hasn't changed. My mood is getting worse. There is so much noise in my head, most of it isn't good stuff. Does that qualify as prayers answered?
Today, another load of news has hit me. Under normal circumstances, it would just be a statement of fact and I would just shrug things off. In my current fragile emotional state though, it feels like yet another unkind slap has landed...
In the rare moments that I am able to look outside of myself, it could be that I have been given opportunities for community and fellowship. Ah, but I really don't want that at all. I am tired of talking and not seeing an end to my current situation. I don't want to hear the same old suggestions. Having people around makes me more unhappy because I have to do the song and dance and convince people that I am ok, which, if I am being totally honest about it, I am not.
That is why I prefer to be alone. At least I don't get my wounds reopened by well-meaning but hurtful words. I don't want to do the song and dance and I am tired of explaining to others. Being a hermit allows me to detach a little from all the pain and disappointment.
I was told that I pray too much and listen too little... because God has been answering my prayers. Is it? I neither see nor feel it. My situation hasn't changed. My mood is getting worse. There is so much noise in my head, most of it isn't good stuff. Does that qualify as prayers answered?
Today, another load of news has hit me. Under normal circumstances, it would just be a statement of fact and I would just shrug things off. In my current fragile emotional state though, it feels like yet another unkind slap has landed...
In the rare moments that I am able to look outside of myself, it could be that I have been given opportunities for community and fellowship. Ah, but I really don't want that at all. I am tired of talking and not seeing an end to my current situation. I don't want to hear the same old suggestions. Having people around makes me more unhappy because I have to do the song and dance and convince people that I am ok, which, if I am being totally honest about it, I am not.
That is why I prefer to be alone. At least I don't get my wounds reopened by well-meaning but hurtful words. I don't want to do the song and dance and I am tired of explaining to others. Being a hermit allows me to detach a little from all the pain and disappointment.
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