I need Silence

I have been trying to pull myself out of this funk.

I was told that I pray too much and listen too little... because God has been answering my prayers. Is it? I neither see nor feel it. My situation hasn't changed. My mood is getting worse. There is so much noise in my head, most of it isn't good stuff. Does that qualify as prayers answered?

Today, another load of news has hit me. Under normal circumstances, it would just be a statement of fact and I would just shrug things off. In my current fragile emotional state though, it feels like yet another unkind slap has landed...

In the rare moments that I am able to look outside of myself, it could be that I have been given opportunities for community and fellowship. Ah, but I really don't want that at all. I am tired of talking and not seeing an end to my current situation. I don't want to hear the same old suggestions. Having people around makes me more unhappy because I have to do the song and dance and convince people that I am ok, which, if I am being totally honest about it, I am not.

That is why I prefer to be alone. At least I don't get my wounds reopened by well-meaning but hurtful words. I don't want to do the song and dance and I am tired of explaining to others. Being a hermit allows me to detach a little from all the pain and disappointment.