Thursday, March 11, 2010

My pains

It pains me to say that since my last post, to my horror, I am still unemployed.

I am starting to wonder just what went wrong. I have the correct qualifications and plenty of interviews considering... just no job offers. I have had so many 2nd interviews that have ended either with a rejection or silence that I am really losing hope.

My faith and is badly shaken. I am very very puzzled. I question and wonder why things seem to be going wrong for me continuously. I have tried telling myself that it is at Gods time and his plan... but it doesn't help the way I feel.

I have kept on applying for jobs, going for interviews and generally doing the things that I know how to do.

Today, a friend has a sort of cell group coming over. It is her house. I do not want to meet people or to talk. I feel the cell group as an ironic and painful punishment. The thought of facing people that I do not know or feel close to is making me feel a lot lot lot lot... (you get the point) worse. The fact that it is a cell group when I feel massively let down adds oil to my unhappiness. I do not want community from people I do not know or trust.

I want good news that I can appreciate, not something I feel as pure torture. I hope my friend does not expect me to participate or talk.

Anyway, about the faith thing.... I did wonder whether in the midst of testing his people, has God actually lost them in his eagerness to test/grow them? I did the internet thing and find that there are people who have absolutely lost their faith after bad things have happened. Sometimes the damage is irreparable.

Of course, it may not be God's doing because for all I know, He does not exist.

To be perfectly logical, I do not see God in my life. I guess I expect his hand in the nice things and happenings and I have had nice things happen before... but I do not see His hand, I never did. I don't have that kind of voices in my head like some do when the say God is guiding their way. I have also never experienced firsthand having an answered prayer, like when I ask for something, I actually get it... NEVER. Wait let me think... let's be fair.... when have I ever had an answered prayer... something that I have asked God for and gotten it.... and knew that it was my prayers being answered... *blank*

Which begets the question then, why do I believe? Do I still believe?

Good question.

I have always believed, even when I was a kid. No explanation for it.

And in my current idle and extremely depressed state. My belief seems outright silly. Months upons months of prayer and more prayer... and naught. Not that there was ever anything in my own life to convince me He is there.

Other people's testimony are theirs... their testimony does nothing to improve my life. Sure I can be touched by a good testimony or an inspiring story but in reality, it does nothing that watching a good movie or cartoon can't do... and at the end of the day, I care about my life not someone else's.

Do I blame God for my perdicament? I want to but I can't. I'm not sure I believe anymore.

Instead of rationalizing that it isn't God's plan or his time... or any other convoluted thing that believers say to justify why God allows bad things to happen. It is clearer and more straightforward to accept that I am just living out the bitter consequences of my earlier action of resigning from a job I didn't like. I am responsible for my own actions and there is nothing for it but for me pull myself together, and plod on.

There is no divine hand.

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