Would you Trust Him?

This is day 2 of me putting my roller coaster mood swings and thoughts online.

Yesterday, I admitted out loud that yeah, I did have doubts whether God existed. It is easy to believe if you have been taught such and your life is relatively smooth sailing. Not so easy when you are undergoing all series of trials and tribulations.

While my life isn't the most terrible or most pitiful, it isn't a comfortable and easy one either.This current slump (maybe) / life-perception altering period has given me too much time to think and surf the net about life, about God, about what I want versus what He wants.

What if God's way is NOT my way? Will I Trust Him?

The common thing to read about online is that God knows things that we don't and he knows better. He is God. You get stories and passages written from the bible about the Exodus and about Job. God had already provided for Isreal... but it kept it just out of their reach.

What's the deal about that anyway? Okay, so the people complained to Moses about the lack of water. Did You need to make the provisions just out of reach... just over the hill by the way. As God, you would know the exact point that the people would break... so it stands to reason that God knew that the people would run out of patience right before... so why do it? Why not just give the provisions right BEFORE they started complaining?

I also never quite understood the story about Job either. God allowed Satan to take away everything He owned... all his belongings and his 10 children. Huh? Then he allowed Satan to literally torture Job and make him sick. What's the deal here? To prove that Job had patience? For whom? Why did God need to prove Job's patience through torture? Ok... of course, the story ended with Job supposedly getting back all and more than he has lost and living to a ripe old age... as if that will make everything all right... it would be complete bullshit.

Imagine losing 10 children at one go... all your life's work, your wealth, your health. That's just unnecessary cruelty. I can imagine just how much emotional pain Job would have suffered and continue to suffer... even after his wealth was reinstated / doubled, even after he had another 10 children. He would be massively damaged and hurt inside. Try making that better... I don't think that there is anything that would work. No balm, no magic, no Godly pearls of wisdom can undo that kind of pain.

Ok. Back to that question... Will I trust Him?

Quite frankly, I don't know. Just as I don't know whether he exists. I'd like to think he exists and I'd like to trust Him. I'd like to be able to say... hey, have it Your way, I will accept it and be Happy... but what if, I am not?

If I trust Him will I get something so good that it is beyond my wildest imagination? errr.... see? I don't know that it'll happen. So if I were to trust, I would have to trust blindly... and that's really hard especially with this thing called real life.

Human beings live in real life. We watch TV, surf the net and see all the tragedies in full color and HD, where available. We see the effects of the earthquakes in Haiti and Chile, hurricanes, tsunami's, war, terrorism...the suffering of the people, the deaths... basically all the nasty stuff that was allowed to happen.

You see, the promises of God... well, that's not so obvious. I'm not even sure He exists so it is really really really super hard to trust. What if I make the attempt and nothing happens... or a tragedy occurs? That would be just way sad.

Some would say that life is suffering and we weren't meant to be here and that we were meant to eventually go "home". Ok, this is the part where Heaven and Hell comes in...

Ok, if hell is eternal suffering, of course I wouldn't want to go there and suffer some more.

But heaven? Does going to heaven mean eternal happiness? Satan was an angel right? If he was so eternally happy being in the Kingdom of God, why did he rebel? Why did he not stay there and be eternally happy with God Himself? Why would an ex-angel be so unhappy if he were in a place where everyone was eternally happy?

My point is... I don't know if I have enough faith to trust in God blindly without knowing what lies ahead. What I see in real life seems to say that... even if you trust and believe, you are going to suffer still... maybe even more. The idea of the slim possibility of going into heaven after we have willingly suffered doesn't seem all that great either since angels too can be unhappy enough to rebel.

So... if I am suffering here on earth and even if I believe in God... and the nett outcome is that I still suffer... what then is the point of having faith?

I read somewhere that we will not be able to comprehend all of God's will... Yep, I believe that. But in my tiny sliver of a worldview... what matters most is me. What happens to me, how I feel, how things work out for ME.

Call me selfish... but I think that is the way for everyone. We are the star player in our own lives. We think from our own thoughts and we choose from our own will. Everything around us is played out in our minds in relation to our self.

Of course we care for our loved ones. Of course, if we are inclined to do charity, we will care for it... according to OUR worldview of real life. And if we choose not to do evil, that is also most excellent according to me, myself and I.

You see, it is true that I do not understand.
Therefore, I do not know if I have faith.
Therefore, I do not know if I have it in me to Trust Him and believe that this waiting, although excruciatingly painful will lead to something that I will think is truly wonderful.

And then the biggest question yet that keeps coming back again and again... Is there a God?
When I wrote the last post, I expressed my doubts... that evening, I prayed (to God) and repented about those words. This morning... the question popped out again.

Is He there and simply being maddenly silent? or
I was wrong and He simply never was.