It was barely a few days ago that I had that massive meltdown both in terms of my mood and my faith. It was the biggest doubts that had ever come over my faith, bar none.
I can't say that things have improved or that my situation has changed in any way. It hasn't.
Somehow, after all the crying... and the venting posts (there were 2 posts) online... rather than burdening the hearts of my loved ones further... I have finally managed to calm down. Not a lot, but a little bit.
I could at least see a tiny silver lining... just barely...
I still don't understand why things have happened this way and why despite all my attempts I have still failed. I am calmer now and will persevere.
I still have doubts on and off about God. It really depends on how I feel at any given time. Disappointment, grief and anger are predominant. Acceptance is occasional. Hope unfortunately is on its last leg.
I have stopped praying for more faith or courage or strength... all I ask for now, if I do pray is a very prescriptive prayer where I ask for what I want in my life. It was very different from several months ago when I asked God to show me and lead me on His Way, in His path, all the highfalutin ideals of being a good christian. After the maddening wait and all the obstacles... my prayers have changed and focused on the physical, the here and now. It has become "i wanna... i wanna... i wanna..."
It is both curious and sad.
I am aware of course that people can choose to be happy and choose to have hope... however... it gets very difficult to do so when life delivers 'lemons' for a prolonged period. As a person, I do collapse under the weight of the 'lemons', burdens... whatever...
And please, don't give me the Bullshit about casting it to the Lord. I have honest to goodness tried my level best to so umpteenth times and still, here I am, upset, unhappy and distinctly angry.
Ah, I am very angry at God... oh good. That means I do still believe in Him. You can't be angry at God if you do not believe in Him.
This is one of the good days.
I can't say that things have improved or that my situation has changed in any way. It hasn't.
Somehow, after all the crying... and the venting posts (there were 2 posts) online... rather than burdening the hearts of my loved ones further... I have finally managed to calm down. Not a lot, but a little bit.
I could at least see a tiny silver lining... just barely...
I still don't understand why things have happened this way and why despite all my attempts I have still failed. I am calmer now and will persevere.
I still have doubts on and off about God. It really depends on how I feel at any given time. Disappointment, grief and anger are predominant. Acceptance is occasional. Hope unfortunately is on its last leg.
I have stopped praying for more faith or courage or strength... all I ask for now, if I do pray is a very prescriptive prayer where I ask for what I want in my life. It was very different from several months ago when I asked God to show me and lead me on His Way, in His path, all the highfalutin ideals of being a good christian. After the maddening wait and all the obstacles... my prayers have changed and focused on the physical, the here and now. It has become "i wanna... i wanna... i wanna..."
It is both curious and sad.
I am aware of course that people can choose to be happy and choose to have hope... however... it gets very difficult to do so when life delivers 'lemons' for a prolonged period. As a person, I do collapse under the weight of the 'lemons', burdens... whatever...
And please, don't give me the Bullshit about casting it to the Lord. I have honest to goodness tried my level best to so umpteenth times and still, here I am, upset, unhappy and distinctly angry.
Ah, I am very angry at God... oh good. That means I do still believe in Him. You can't be angry at God if you do not believe in Him.
This is one of the good days.
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