I was wondering as to whether there were any constants in Life per se... Let me see...
If there is Life, there must then be death... that is constant, even if you do not know when death would come.
There must be learning and adaptation in order for survival, even if the rate itself is unknown.
There will be cycles in a lifespan... childhood, adulthood, old age... if death does not come first.
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
Monday, March 29, 2010
Happiness is knowing all your sacrifices were not forgotten
I was at home during the weekend and spent some time alone with sister no 4. Our parents had gone out for tomb sweeping day (Ching Ming).
For the first time since I could ever remember, we went out together and no. 4 paid for everything, groceries, the movies and our very nice meal of salmon mascarpone pizza (see picture) at Gianni's.
For the longest time, the roles had always been reversed. I had always been the one paying for the parents, the siblings, et al. To be the one receiving for once in over a decade was very touching, especially since I had not asked for it.
Oh, to be so touched by such a small gesture. I must have really been deprived. :)
I am momentarily happy though... My sisters have all grown up good and sensible. Let's hope this mood of mine hold's up.
Thursday, March 25, 2010
Silver Lining
I was greeted by this image as I looked out my window onto the tiny patch of sky above my neighbours condo.Wondrous is it not? I guess this was what it meant when it was written that every cloud has a silver lining...
Interesting day
I am not normally known for being sociable nor hospitable but yesterday was a really interesting day. Unexpected but interesting.
It turned out to be a day that I would spend ministering to others, listening to their grouses, their concerns and their problems.
In the course of doing so, I have realised that my own problems, while very significant, is only ONE thing, in one area even though I feel it permeating into every facet of my life. Every other part of my life is fairly smooth, even with the occasional lumps and bumps along the way.
The day led me to be in a position where I was literally forced to listen to one friend for hours listening to his numerous grouses that I have probably heard many times before. I was made to listen and not try to help, which is pretty hard. Just to listen as he repeats himself over and over, trying not to judge and to smother all feelings of wanting to shake him or slap him to "wake up and smell the roses!"
Something held me back. Maybe it was the holy spirit or maybe it was just a temporary deeper compassion and understanding. So there I was, allowing him to vent, get angry at me, get frustrated and even yell at me in public. I realised how lonely he was. In his pain, he had taken out his frustration on too many people, causing his friends to avoid him. That in turn caused him to think that he had no friends, which was just sad.
Yes, I thought he needed to straighten out his thoughts and his responses but something held my tongue to let him talk it all out. I was pretty certain that by the time he left, he did indeed feel better than he had in a long time.
And that was friend number 1. By then, it was night. I had spent about 6 hours with friend 1 and his pains. I was drained and wanted nothing more than to get home, take a bath and crawl into bed. That was when I noticed friend number 2.
Friend 2 had been texting me through dinner when I was still listening to friend 1. Initially, I had thought that it was merely a normal invitation to dinner and drinks of which I declined because (1) I was already having dinner and serving as punching bag and listening ear, (2) I wasn't keen on meeting friend 2's other friends in a pub or bar and (3)Friend 2 was a very nice boy but we weren't very close.
As the night progressed, the smses turned wierd. I realised that friend 2 was very depressed. He was troubled AND had been sitting in a bar alone for hours. That set off some alarm bells. A young, good-looking 20-something single chap just doesn't sit in a bar for hours... alone. I called him and his overly enthusiastic response about being ok alternated with scary undertones about some girl thing and being a bachelor forever raised up major red flags. I did a quick check with S to see that I wasn't overreacting and promptly took a cab over to the bar to see what was going on.
It ended with 4 hours of "ministering" to friend 2. After 6 hours of being a listening ear cum punching bag to friend 1, I knew that my task for the night was to listen, not to tell, to comfort but not to judge (too much). Oh, I did tell him off on certain things but largely, I let him vent. Thank God for blessing me with sufficient patience. I am not known for it but I was glad to have enough of it.
By the time the conversation ended, it was morning and I trust that friend 2 went home comforted. I just hope he was able to wake up this morning in time for work.
I was happy to be able to be of help to my 2 friends.
Now, all I need to do is to find a way to calm my normally very caring and sweet other half down about why I was hanging out with 2 different guys yesterday.... I had possibly made the mistake of telling him about them. I had thought that he would be proud of me for being a good supportive friend. Instead, he was upset.... because they were both single, available guys maybe?
I need to find a way to get it into his head that he should have no problem with me going out with my friends, even the single guys. I take care to always make sure that he is in the loop about who they were and where we would be. I crave his trust.
To me, it is ironic. If I were to be completely brutally honest, I am not exactly the kind of person that single men would necessarily want to be seen with or have casual dates with. (1) I'm not young anymore (2) I'm fat by asian standards, (3) I've not been spending time and money on clothes and make-up so I do look a little dated and frumpy (4)I'm unemployed and not rich... i.e. NOT your normal potential date material. I am at this moment an unemployed, older version of "Ugly Betty"...
But there you have it, my other-half is upset. possibly jealous and annoyed... for nothing. how to tell him that in a nice loving way is the question.... sighz...
It turned out to be a day that I would spend ministering to others, listening to their grouses, their concerns and their problems.
In the course of doing so, I have realised that my own problems, while very significant, is only ONE thing, in one area even though I feel it permeating into every facet of my life. Every other part of my life is fairly smooth, even with the occasional lumps and bumps along the way.
The day led me to be in a position where I was literally forced to listen to one friend for hours listening to his numerous grouses that I have probably heard many times before. I was made to listen and not try to help, which is pretty hard. Just to listen as he repeats himself over and over, trying not to judge and to smother all feelings of wanting to shake him or slap him to "wake up and smell the roses!"
Something held me back. Maybe it was the holy spirit or maybe it was just a temporary deeper compassion and understanding. So there I was, allowing him to vent, get angry at me, get frustrated and even yell at me in public. I realised how lonely he was. In his pain, he had taken out his frustration on too many people, causing his friends to avoid him. That in turn caused him to think that he had no friends, which was just sad.
Yes, I thought he needed to straighten out his thoughts and his responses but something held my tongue to let him talk it all out. I was pretty certain that by the time he left, he did indeed feel better than he had in a long time.
And that was friend number 1. By then, it was night. I had spent about 6 hours with friend 1 and his pains. I was drained and wanted nothing more than to get home, take a bath and crawl into bed. That was when I noticed friend number 2.
Friend 2 had been texting me through dinner when I was still listening to friend 1. Initially, I had thought that it was merely a normal invitation to dinner and drinks of which I declined because (1) I was already having dinner and serving as punching bag and listening ear, (2) I wasn't keen on meeting friend 2's other friends in a pub or bar and (3)Friend 2 was a very nice boy but we weren't very close.
As the night progressed, the smses turned wierd. I realised that friend 2 was very depressed. He was troubled AND had been sitting in a bar alone for hours. That set off some alarm bells. A young, good-looking 20-something single chap just doesn't sit in a bar for hours... alone. I called him and his overly enthusiastic response about being ok alternated with scary undertones about some girl thing and being a bachelor forever raised up major red flags. I did a quick check with S to see that I wasn't overreacting and promptly took a cab over to the bar to see what was going on.
It ended with 4 hours of "ministering" to friend 2. After 6 hours of being a listening ear cum punching bag to friend 1, I knew that my task for the night was to listen, not to tell, to comfort but not to judge (too much). Oh, I did tell him off on certain things but largely, I let him vent. Thank God for blessing me with sufficient patience. I am not known for it but I was glad to have enough of it.
By the time the conversation ended, it was morning and I trust that friend 2 went home comforted. I just hope he was able to wake up this morning in time for work.
I was happy to be able to be of help to my 2 friends.
Now, all I need to do is to find a way to calm my normally very caring and sweet other half down about why I was hanging out with 2 different guys yesterday.... I had possibly made the mistake of telling him about them. I had thought that he would be proud of me for being a good supportive friend. Instead, he was upset.... because they were both single, available guys maybe?
I need to find a way to get it into his head that he should have no problem with me going out with my friends, even the single guys. I take care to always make sure that he is in the loop about who they were and where we would be. I crave his trust.
To me, it is ironic. If I were to be completely brutally honest, I am not exactly the kind of person that single men would necessarily want to be seen with or have casual dates with. (1) I'm not young anymore (2) I'm fat by asian standards, (3) I've not been spending time and money on clothes and make-up so I do look a little dated and frumpy (4)I'm unemployed and not rich... i.e. NOT your normal potential date material. I am at this moment an unemployed, older version of "Ugly Betty"...
But there you have it, my other-half is upset. possibly jealous and annoyed... for nothing. how to tell him that in a nice loving way is the question.... sighz...
Monday, March 22, 2010
Patiently waiting in anticipation...
It has been several weeks since I restarted writing on this blog. Firstly, I needed somewhere to vent that was not the ears of my nearest and dearest. I was also on the borders of complete and utter despair.
Well, things haven't changed for me at all for me on the outside but after all the prayers, I feel very changed inside... a lot calmer and more able to wait patiently in anticipation of things to come.
I remain very hopeful in the Lord of things to come.
Well, things haven't changed for me at all for me on the outside but after all the prayers, I feel very changed inside... a lot calmer and more able to wait patiently in anticipation of things to come.
I remain very hopeful in the Lord of things to come.
Friday, March 19, 2010
Sudden panic attack...
A couple of minutes ago, I was just doing some online banking when I saw my account balance... and promptly went into a mini panic attack.
It's not that my accounts were empty...no, with all due respect, it still was rather healthy considering that I had no income for a good part of a year and was still paying for everything normally. What bothered me so greatly was how much it had depleted. It took me a good part of a decade to save the money which was to have been downpayment for my home and I guess just seeing the dwindling numbers sent me into a mini panic.
I know that material goods aren't everything and that God will provide for what I need.
Breathe..... breathe... trust... and pray. Stop thinking about how long it took you to save that money... it's just money... breathe...
Argh... I don't want to be a cheapo. It bothers me... a LOT. Help.
It's not that my accounts were empty...no, with all due respect, it still was rather healthy considering that I had no income for a good part of a year and was still paying for everything normally. What bothered me so greatly was how much it had depleted. It took me a good part of a decade to save the money which was to have been downpayment for my home and I guess just seeing the dwindling numbers sent me into a mini panic.
I know that material goods aren't everything and that God will provide for what I need.
Breathe..... breathe... trust... and pray. Stop thinking about how long it took you to save that money... it's just money... breathe...
Argh... I don't want to be a cheapo. It bothers me... a LOT. Help.
Waiting on the Lord
I woke up this morning with the words " Be Still and Wait upon the Lord" ringing in my mind.
I have been lamenting a lot, reading a lot, praying a lot, crying a lot for a while now and the words kept resonating in my head. Be still and wait, be still and wait.... God is faithful.
I then typed the words "Waiting on the Lord" into my trusty Google search engine and came across this webpage from Bible.Org that totally resonated with me.
http://bible.org/article/waiting-lord
So many thoughts and realisations came upon me that I find it difficult to put them into words. All I can actually pen down is that this is a test for me and that I should just continue to have faith and be patient, even though it is very very hard. Waiting is actually a very difficult time.
Anyway, the passage that resonated the most with me in the webpage is this;
Deuteronomy 8:1-11
All the commandments that I am commanding you today you shall be careful to do, that you may live and multiply, and go in and possess the land which the LORD swore to give to your forefathers.
2 And you shall remember all the way which the LORD your God has led you in the wilderness these forty years, that He might humble you, testing you, to know what was in your heart, whether you would keep His commandments or not.
3 And He humbled you and let you be hungry, and fed you with manna which you did not know, nor did your fathers know, that He might make you understand that man does not live by bread alone, but man lives by everything that proceeds out of the mouth of the LORD.
4 Your clothing did not wear out on you, nor did your foot swell these forty years.
5 Thus you are to know in your heart that the LORD your God was disciplining you just as a man disciplines his son.
6 Therefore, you shall keep the commandments of the LORD your God, to walk in His ways and to fear Him.
7 For the LORD your God is bringing you into a good land, a land of brooks of water, of fountains and springs, flowing forth in valleys and hills;
8 a land of wheat and barley, of vines and fig trees and pomegranates, a land of olive oil and honey;
9 a land where you shall eat food without scarcity, in which you shall not lack anything; a land whose stones are iron, and out of whose hills you can dig copper.
10 When you have eaten and are satisfied, you shall bless the LORD your God for the good land which He has given you.
11 Beware lest you forget the LORD your God by not keeping His commandments and His ordinances and His statutes which I am commanding you today;
And now Lord, for what do I wait? My hope is in Thee. Deliver me from all my transgressions. Make me not the reproach of the foolish.
I have been lamenting a lot, reading a lot, praying a lot, crying a lot for a while now and the words kept resonating in my head. Be still and wait, be still and wait.... God is faithful.
I then typed the words "Waiting on the Lord" into my trusty Google search engine and came across this webpage from Bible.Org that totally resonated with me.
http://bible.org/article/waiting-lord
So many thoughts and realisations came upon me that I find it difficult to put them into words. All I can actually pen down is that this is a test for me and that I should just continue to have faith and be patient, even though it is very very hard. Waiting is actually a very difficult time.
Anyway, the passage that resonated the most with me in the webpage is this;
Deuteronomy 8:1-11
All the commandments that I am commanding you today you shall be careful to do, that you may live and multiply, and go in and possess the land which the LORD swore to give to your forefathers.
2 And you shall remember all the way which the LORD your God has led you in the wilderness these forty years, that He might humble you, testing you, to know what was in your heart, whether you would keep His commandments or not.
3 And He humbled you and let you be hungry, and fed you with manna which you did not know, nor did your fathers know, that He might make you understand that man does not live by bread alone, but man lives by everything that proceeds out of the mouth of the LORD.
4 Your clothing did not wear out on you, nor did your foot swell these forty years.
5 Thus you are to know in your heart that the LORD your God was disciplining you just as a man disciplines his son.
6 Therefore, you shall keep the commandments of the LORD your God, to walk in His ways and to fear Him.
7 For the LORD your God is bringing you into a good land, a land of brooks of water, of fountains and springs, flowing forth in valleys and hills;
8 a land of wheat and barley, of vines and fig trees and pomegranates, a land of olive oil and honey;
9 a land where you shall eat food without scarcity, in which you shall not lack anything; a land whose stones are iron, and out of whose hills you can dig copper.
10 When you have eaten and are satisfied, you shall bless the LORD your God for the good land which He has given you.
11 Beware lest you forget the LORD your God by not keeping His commandments and His ordinances and His statutes which I am commanding you today;
And now Lord, for what do I wait? My hope is in Thee. Deliver me from all my transgressions. Make me not the reproach of the foolish.
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
Letting Go
Today, after lunch, I got on the bus and went out on a whim. I really paid attention to my surroundings for once. I went past the Pinnacle at Duxton, the various new malls, went past Chinatown as well as little India. Strangely enough, as a resident of the little red dot, I don't usually go to these places at all.
Anyway, I ended up at the Vivocity rooftop garden taking photos of the new Integrated Resort on Sentosa and watching the crowds of families and children. It's not even the holidays and there is a crowd. Wow...
On the personal front, I still have problems letting go of my worries and I am trying my darnest. Being outside the house helps a bit.
I pray I pray I pray that things will get better soon.
Anyway, I ended up at the Vivocity rooftop garden taking photos of the new Integrated Resort on Sentosa and watching the crowds of families and children. It's not even the holidays and there is a crowd. Wow...
On the personal front, I still have problems letting go of my worries and I am trying my darnest. Being outside the house helps a bit.
I pray I pray I pray that things will get better soon.
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
picking up the pieces...
*sighs*
I have decided to stop moping around and just Trust.
Yet again. It's strange. Absolutely nothing has changed on the outside but this morning, I just felt different inside.
Yes the wait is still mind numbing and painful. Against all odds, doubt and inner turmoil, I still have faith.
Strange ain't it? When just a few days ago, I was having a major meltdown.
Maybe something good that I can immediately recognise and appreciate is coming my way. Why am I being so specific about being able to recognise and appreciate it? Well, I believe that as human beings we cannot begin to understand God's ways and he sometimes gives us prolonged periods of trials to test us.
For one, I would not want anymore trials for the moment, thank you very much. My spirit is very battered. I would like to have some outright good news that I can be cheered about.
I am but a weak human being, reconciled to try my best in this world but knowing full well that I am not intended for "greatness". My hopes and aspirations are really common and mundane.
All I want right now is to pick up the pieces and let my life get back on track.
Is that too much to ask?
I have decided to stop moping around and just Trust.
Yet again. It's strange. Absolutely nothing has changed on the outside but this morning, I just felt different inside.
Yes the wait is still mind numbing and painful. Against all odds, doubt and inner turmoil, I still have faith.
Strange ain't it? When just a few days ago, I was having a major meltdown.
Maybe something good that I can immediately recognise and appreciate is coming my way. Why am I being so specific about being able to recognise and appreciate it? Well, I believe that as human beings we cannot begin to understand God's ways and he sometimes gives us prolonged periods of trials to test us.
For one, I would not want anymore trials for the moment, thank you very much. My spirit is very battered. I would like to have some outright good news that I can be cheered about.
I am but a weak human being, reconciled to try my best in this world but knowing full well that I am not intended for "greatness". My hopes and aspirations are really common and mundane.
All I want right now is to pick up the pieces and let my life get back on track.
Is that too much to ask?
Monday, March 15, 2010
I need Silence
I have been trying to pull myself out of this funk.
I was told that I pray too much and listen too little... because God has been answering my prayers. Is it? I neither see nor feel it. My situation hasn't changed. My mood is getting worse. There is so much noise in my head, most of it isn't good stuff. Does that qualify as prayers answered?
Today, another load of news has hit me. Under normal circumstances, it would just be a statement of fact and I would just shrug things off. In my current fragile emotional state though, it feels like yet another unkind slap has landed...
In the rare moments that I am able to look outside of myself, it could be that I have been given opportunities for community and fellowship. Ah, but I really don't want that at all. I am tired of talking and not seeing an end to my current situation. I don't want to hear the same old suggestions. Having people around makes me more unhappy because I have to do the song and dance and convince people that I am ok, which, if I am being totally honest about it, I am not.
That is why I prefer to be alone. At least I don't get my wounds reopened by well-meaning but hurtful words. I don't want to do the song and dance and I am tired of explaining to others. Being a hermit allows me to detach a little from all the pain and disappointment.
I was told that I pray too much and listen too little... because God has been answering my prayers. Is it? I neither see nor feel it. My situation hasn't changed. My mood is getting worse. There is so much noise in my head, most of it isn't good stuff. Does that qualify as prayers answered?
Today, another load of news has hit me. Under normal circumstances, it would just be a statement of fact and I would just shrug things off. In my current fragile emotional state though, it feels like yet another unkind slap has landed...
In the rare moments that I am able to look outside of myself, it could be that I have been given opportunities for community and fellowship. Ah, but I really don't want that at all. I am tired of talking and not seeing an end to my current situation. I don't want to hear the same old suggestions. Having people around makes me more unhappy because I have to do the song and dance and convince people that I am ok, which, if I am being totally honest about it, I am not.
That is why I prefer to be alone. At least I don't get my wounds reopened by well-meaning but hurtful words. I don't want to do the song and dance and I am tired of explaining to others. Being a hermit allows me to detach a little from all the pain and disappointment.
Sunday, March 14, 2010
Building up the courage to go on.
It was barely a few days ago that I had that massive meltdown both in terms of my mood and my faith. It was the biggest doubts that had ever come over my faith, bar none.
I can't say that things have improved or that my situation has changed in any way. It hasn't.
Somehow, after all the crying... and the venting posts (there were 2 posts) online... rather than burdening the hearts of my loved ones further... I have finally managed to calm down. Not a lot, but a little bit.
I could at least see a tiny silver lining... just barely...
I still don't understand why things have happened this way and why despite all my attempts I have still failed. I am calmer now and will persevere.
I still have doubts on and off about God. It really depends on how I feel at any given time. Disappointment, grief and anger are predominant. Acceptance is occasional. Hope unfortunately is on its last leg.
I have stopped praying for more faith or courage or strength... all I ask for now, if I do pray is a very prescriptive prayer where I ask for what I want in my life. It was very different from several months ago when I asked God to show me and lead me on His Way, in His path, all the highfalutin ideals of being a good christian. After the maddening wait and all the obstacles... my prayers have changed and focused on the physical, the here and now. It has become "i wanna... i wanna... i wanna..."
It is both curious and sad.
I am aware of course that people can choose to be happy and choose to have hope... however... it gets very difficult to do so when life delivers 'lemons' for a prolonged period. As a person, I do collapse under the weight of the 'lemons', burdens... whatever...
And please, don't give me the Bullshit about casting it to the Lord. I have honest to goodness tried my level best to so umpteenth times and still, here I am, upset, unhappy and distinctly angry.
Ah, I am very angry at God... oh good. That means I do still believe in Him. You can't be angry at God if you do not believe in Him.
This is one of the good days.
I can't say that things have improved or that my situation has changed in any way. It hasn't.
Somehow, after all the crying... and the venting posts (there were 2 posts) online... rather than burdening the hearts of my loved ones further... I have finally managed to calm down. Not a lot, but a little bit.
I could at least see a tiny silver lining... just barely...
I still don't understand why things have happened this way and why despite all my attempts I have still failed. I am calmer now and will persevere.
I still have doubts on and off about God. It really depends on how I feel at any given time. Disappointment, grief and anger are predominant. Acceptance is occasional. Hope unfortunately is on its last leg.
I have stopped praying for more faith or courage or strength... all I ask for now, if I do pray is a very prescriptive prayer where I ask for what I want in my life. It was very different from several months ago when I asked God to show me and lead me on His Way, in His path, all the highfalutin ideals of being a good christian. After the maddening wait and all the obstacles... my prayers have changed and focused on the physical, the here and now. It has become "i wanna... i wanna... i wanna..."
It is both curious and sad.
I am aware of course that people can choose to be happy and choose to have hope... however... it gets very difficult to do so when life delivers 'lemons' for a prolonged period. As a person, I do collapse under the weight of the 'lemons', burdens... whatever...
And please, don't give me the Bullshit about casting it to the Lord. I have honest to goodness tried my level best to so umpteenth times and still, here I am, upset, unhappy and distinctly angry.
Ah, I am very angry at God... oh good. That means I do still believe in Him. You can't be angry at God if you do not believe in Him.
This is one of the good days.
Friday, March 12, 2010
Would you Trust Him?
This is day 2 of me putting my roller coaster mood swings and thoughts online.
Yesterday, I admitted out loud that yeah, I did have doubts whether God existed. It is easy to believe if you have been taught such and your life is relatively smooth sailing. Not so easy when you are undergoing all series of trials and tribulations.
While my life isn't the most terrible or most pitiful, it isn't a comfortable and easy one either.This current slump (maybe) / life-perception altering period has given me too much time to think and surf the net about life, about God, about what I want versus what He wants.
What if God's way is NOT my way? Will I Trust Him?
The common thing to read about online is that God knows things that we don't and he knows better. He is God. You get stories and passages written from the bible about the Exodus and about Job. God had already provided for Isreal... but it kept it just out of their reach.
What's the deal about that anyway? Okay, so the people complained to Moses about the lack of water. Did You need to make the provisions just out of reach... just over the hill by the way. As God, you would know the exact point that the people would break... so it stands to reason that God knew that the people would run out of patience right before... so why do it? Why not just give the provisions right BEFORE they started complaining?
I also never quite understood the story about Job either. God allowed Satan to take away everything He owned... all his belongings and his 10 children. Huh? Then he allowed Satan to literally torture Job and make him sick. What's the deal here? To prove that Job had patience? For whom? Why did God need to prove Job's patience through torture? Ok... of course, the story ended with Job supposedly getting back all and more than he has lost and living to a ripe old age... as if that will make everything all right... it would be complete bullshit.
Imagine losing 10 children at one go... all your life's work, your wealth, your health. That's just unnecessary cruelty. I can imagine just how much emotional pain Job would have suffered and continue to suffer... even after his wealth was reinstated / doubled, even after he had another 10 children. He would be massively damaged and hurt inside. Try making that better... I don't think that there is anything that would work. No balm, no magic, no Godly pearls of wisdom can undo that kind of pain.
Ok. Back to that question... Will I trust Him?
Quite frankly, I don't know. Just as I don't know whether he exists. I'd like to think he exists and I'd like to trust Him. I'd like to be able to say... hey, have it Your way, I will accept it and be Happy... but what if, I am not?
If I trust Him will I get something so good that it is beyond my wildest imagination? errr.... see? I don't know that it'll happen. So if I were to trust, I would have to trust blindly... and that's really hard especially with this thing called real life.
Human beings live in real life. We watch TV, surf the net and see all the tragedies in full color and HD, where available. We see the effects of the earthquakes in Haiti and Chile, hurricanes, tsunami's, war, terrorism...the suffering of the people, the deaths... basically all the nasty stuff that was allowed to happen.
You see, the promises of God... well, that's not so obvious. I'm not even sure He exists so it is really really really super hard to trust. What if I make the attempt and nothing happens... or a tragedy occurs? That would be just way sad.
Some would say that life is suffering and we weren't meant to be here and that we were meant to eventually go "home". Ok, this is the part where Heaven and Hell comes in...
Ok, if hell is eternal suffering, of course I wouldn't want to go there and suffer some more.
But heaven? Does going to heaven mean eternal happiness? Satan was an angel right? If he was so eternally happy being in the Kingdom of God, why did he rebel? Why did he not stay there and be eternally happy with God Himself? Why would an ex-angel be so unhappy if he were in a place where everyone was eternally happy?
My point is... I don't know if I have enough faith to trust in God blindly without knowing what lies ahead. What I see in real life seems to say that... even if you trust and believe, you are going to suffer still... maybe even more. The idea of the slim possibility of going into heaven after we have willingly suffered doesn't seem all that great either since angels too can be unhappy enough to rebel.
So... if I am suffering here on earth and even if I believe in God... and the nett outcome is that I still suffer... what then is the point of having faith?
I read somewhere that we will not be able to comprehend all of God's will... Yep, I believe that. But in my tiny sliver of a worldview... what matters most is me. What happens to me, how I feel, how things work out for ME.
Call me selfish... but I think that is the way for everyone. We are the star player in our own lives. We think from our own thoughts and we choose from our own will. Everything around us is played out in our minds in relation to our self.
Of course we care for our loved ones. Of course, if we are inclined to do charity, we will care for it... according to OUR worldview of real life. And if we choose not to do evil, that is also most excellent according to me, myself and I.
You see, it is true that I do not understand.
Therefore, I do not know if I have faith.
Therefore, I do not know if I have it in me to Trust Him and believe that this waiting, although excruciatingly painful will lead to something that I will think is truly wonderful.
And then the biggest question yet that keeps coming back again and again... Is there a God?
When I wrote the last post, I expressed my doubts... that evening, I prayed (to God) and repented about those words. This morning... the question popped out again.
Is He there and simply being maddenly silent? or
I was wrong and He simply never was.
Yesterday, I admitted out loud that yeah, I did have doubts whether God existed. It is easy to believe if you have been taught such and your life is relatively smooth sailing. Not so easy when you are undergoing all series of trials and tribulations.
While my life isn't the most terrible or most pitiful, it isn't a comfortable and easy one either.This current slump (maybe) / life-perception altering period has given me too much time to think and surf the net about life, about God, about what I want versus what He wants.
What if God's way is NOT my way? Will I Trust Him?
The common thing to read about online is that God knows things that we don't and he knows better. He is God. You get stories and passages written from the bible about the Exodus and about Job. God had already provided for Isreal... but it kept it just out of their reach.
What's the deal about that anyway? Okay, so the people complained to Moses about the lack of water. Did You need to make the provisions just out of reach... just over the hill by the way. As God, you would know the exact point that the people would break... so it stands to reason that God knew that the people would run out of patience right before... so why do it? Why not just give the provisions right BEFORE they started complaining?
I also never quite understood the story about Job either. God allowed Satan to take away everything He owned... all his belongings and his 10 children. Huh? Then he allowed Satan to literally torture Job and make him sick. What's the deal here? To prove that Job had patience? For whom? Why did God need to prove Job's patience through torture? Ok... of course, the story ended with Job supposedly getting back all and more than he has lost and living to a ripe old age... as if that will make everything all right... it would be complete bullshit.
Imagine losing 10 children at one go... all your life's work, your wealth, your health. That's just unnecessary cruelty. I can imagine just how much emotional pain Job would have suffered and continue to suffer... even after his wealth was reinstated / doubled, even after he had another 10 children. He would be massively damaged and hurt inside. Try making that better... I don't think that there is anything that would work. No balm, no magic, no Godly pearls of wisdom can undo that kind of pain.
Ok. Back to that question... Will I trust Him?
Quite frankly, I don't know. Just as I don't know whether he exists. I'd like to think he exists and I'd like to trust Him. I'd like to be able to say... hey, have it Your way, I will accept it and be Happy... but what if, I am not?
If I trust Him will I get something so good that it is beyond my wildest imagination? errr.... see? I don't know that it'll happen. So if I were to trust, I would have to trust blindly... and that's really hard especially with this thing called real life.
Human beings live in real life. We watch TV, surf the net and see all the tragedies in full color and HD, where available. We see the effects of the earthquakes in Haiti and Chile, hurricanes, tsunami's, war, terrorism...the suffering of the people, the deaths... basically all the nasty stuff that was allowed to happen.
You see, the promises of God... well, that's not so obvious. I'm not even sure He exists so it is really really really super hard to trust. What if I make the attempt and nothing happens... or a tragedy occurs? That would be just way sad.
Some would say that life is suffering and we weren't meant to be here and that we were meant to eventually go "home". Ok, this is the part where Heaven and Hell comes in...
Ok, if hell is eternal suffering, of course I wouldn't want to go there and suffer some more.
But heaven? Does going to heaven mean eternal happiness? Satan was an angel right? If he was so eternally happy being in the Kingdom of God, why did he rebel? Why did he not stay there and be eternally happy with God Himself? Why would an ex-angel be so unhappy if he were in a place where everyone was eternally happy?
My point is... I don't know if I have enough faith to trust in God blindly without knowing what lies ahead. What I see in real life seems to say that... even if you trust and believe, you are going to suffer still... maybe even more. The idea of the slim possibility of going into heaven after we have willingly suffered doesn't seem all that great either since angels too can be unhappy enough to rebel.
So... if I am suffering here on earth and even if I believe in God... and the nett outcome is that I still suffer... what then is the point of having faith?
I read somewhere that we will not be able to comprehend all of God's will... Yep, I believe that. But in my tiny sliver of a worldview... what matters most is me. What happens to me, how I feel, how things work out for ME.
Call me selfish... but I think that is the way for everyone. We are the star player in our own lives. We think from our own thoughts and we choose from our own will. Everything around us is played out in our minds in relation to our self.
Of course we care for our loved ones. Of course, if we are inclined to do charity, we will care for it... according to OUR worldview of real life. And if we choose not to do evil, that is also most excellent according to me, myself and I.
You see, it is true that I do not understand.
Therefore, I do not know if I have faith.
Therefore, I do not know if I have it in me to Trust Him and believe that this waiting, although excruciatingly painful will lead to something that I will think is truly wonderful.
And then the biggest question yet that keeps coming back again and again... Is there a God?
When I wrote the last post, I expressed my doubts... that evening, I prayed (to God) and repented about those words. This morning... the question popped out again.
Is He there and simply being maddenly silent? or
I was wrong and He simply never was.
Thursday, March 11, 2010
6 impossible things
There is no use trying... said Alica; "One can't believe impossible things." "I dare say you haven't had much practice," said the Queen.
"When I was your age, I always did it for half an hour a day. Why, sometimes I've believed as many as six impossible things before breakfast!"
Lewis Carroll
My six impossible things.
1. I will get a job that pays a lot better than my previous and start working within a week of putting up this post.
2. I will become a millionaire (in USD terms) within 2 months of putting up this post.
3. I will own a huge mansion with acres and acres of land in under 1 year of putting up this post.
4. I will lose 18 kg in a healthy way within 1 year of putting up this post.
5. I will suddenly speak in languages and be able to understand and converse fluently in all languages of the world within 2 years of putting up this post.
6. I will be able to do ALL 5 things above in reality... not in dreams or nightmares.
*chuckles*
Just my way of cheering myself up....
"When I was your age, I always did it for half an hour a day. Why, sometimes I've believed as many as six impossible things before breakfast!"
Lewis Carroll
My six impossible things.
1. I will get a job that pays a lot better than my previous and start working within a week of putting up this post.
2. I will become a millionaire (in USD terms) within 2 months of putting up this post.
3. I will own a huge mansion with acres and acres of land in under 1 year of putting up this post.
4. I will lose 18 kg in a healthy way within 1 year of putting up this post.
5. I will suddenly speak in languages and be able to understand and converse fluently in all languages of the world within 2 years of putting up this post.
6. I will be able to do ALL 5 things above in reality... not in dreams or nightmares.
*chuckles*
Just my way of cheering myself up....
My pains
It pains me to say that since my last post, to my horror, I am still unemployed.
I am starting to wonder just what went wrong. I have the correct qualifications and plenty of interviews considering... just no job offers. I have had so many 2nd interviews that have ended either with a rejection or silence that I am really losing hope.
My faith and is badly shaken. I am very very puzzled. I question and wonder why things seem to be going wrong for me continuously. I have tried telling myself that it is at Gods time and his plan... but it doesn't help the way I feel.
I have kept on applying for jobs, going for interviews and generally doing the things that I know how to do.
Today, a friend has a sort of cell group coming over. It is her house. I do not want to meet people or to talk. I feel the cell group as an ironic and painful punishment. The thought of facing people that I do not know or feel close to is making me feel a lot lot lot lot... (you get the point) worse. The fact that it is a cell group when I feel massively let down adds oil to my unhappiness. I do not want community from people I do not know or trust.
I want good news that I can appreciate, not something I feel as pure torture. I hope my friend does not expect me to participate or talk.
Anyway, about the faith thing.... I did wonder whether in the midst of testing his people, has God actually lost them in his eagerness to test/grow them? I did the internet thing and find that there are people who have absolutely lost their faith after bad things have happened. Sometimes the damage is irreparable.
Of course, it may not be God's doing because for all I know, He does not exist.
To be perfectly logical, I do not see God in my life. I guess I expect his hand in the nice things and happenings and I have had nice things happen before... but I do not see His hand, I never did. I don't have that kind of voices in my head like some do when the say God is guiding their way. I have also never experienced firsthand having an answered prayer, like when I ask for something, I actually get it... NEVER. Wait let me think... let's be fair.... when have I ever had an answered prayer... something that I have asked God for and gotten it.... and knew that it was my prayers being answered... *blank*
Which begets the question then, why do I believe? Do I still believe?
Good question.
I have always believed, even when I was a kid. No explanation for it.
And in my current idle and extremely depressed state. My belief seems outright silly. Months upons months of prayer and more prayer... and naught. Not that there was ever anything in my own life to convince me He is there.
Other people's testimony are theirs... their testimony does nothing to improve my life. Sure I can be touched by a good testimony or an inspiring story but in reality, it does nothing that watching a good movie or cartoon can't do... and at the end of the day, I care about my life not someone else's.
Do I blame God for my perdicament? I want to but I can't. I'm not sure I believe anymore.
Instead of rationalizing that it isn't God's plan or his time... or any other convoluted thing that believers say to justify why God allows bad things to happen. It is clearer and more straightforward to accept that I am just living out the bitter consequences of my earlier action of resigning from a job I didn't like. I am responsible for my own actions and there is nothing for it but for me pull myself together, and plod on.
There is no divine hand.
I am starting to wonder just what went wrong. I have the correct qualifications and plenty of interviews considering... just no job offers. I have had so many 2nd interviews that have ended either with a rejection or silence that I am really losing hope.
My faith and is badly shaken. I am very very puzzled. I question and wonder why things seem to be going wrong for me continuously. I have tried telling myself that it is at Gods time and his plan... but it doesn't help the way I feel.
I have kept on applying for jobs, going for interviews and generally doing the things that I know how to do.
Today, a friend has a sort of cell group coming over. It is her house. I do not want to meet people or to talk. I feel the cell group as an ironic and painful punishment. The thought of facing people that I do not know or feel close to is making me feel a lot lot lot lot... (you get the point) worse. The fact that it is a cell group when I feel massively let down adds oil to my unhappiness. I do not want community from people I do not know or trust.
I want good news that I can appreciate, not something I feel as pure torture. I hope my friend does not expect me to participate or talk.
Anyway, about the faith thing.... I did wonder whether in the midst of testing his people, has God actually lost them in his eagerness to test/grow them? I did the internet thing and find that there are people who have absolutely lost their faith after bad things have happened. Sometimes the damage is irreparable.
Of course, it may not be God's doing because for all I know, He does not exist.
To be perfectly logical, I do not see God in my life. I guess I expect his hand in the nice things and happenings and I have had nice things happen before... but I do not see His hand, I never did. I don't have that kind of voices in my head like some do when the say God is guiding their way. I have also never experienced firsthand having an answered prayer, like when I ask for something, I actually get it... NEVER. Wait let me think... let's be fair.... when have I ever had an answered prayer... something that I have asked God for and gotten it.... and knew that it was my prayers being answered... *blank*
Which begets the question then, why do I believe? Do I still believe?
Good question.
I have always believed, even when I was a kid. No explanation for it.
And in my current idle and extremely depressed state. My belief seems outright silly. Months upons months of prayer and more prayer... and naught. Not that there was ever anything in my own life to convince me He is there.
Other people's testimony are theirs... their testimony does nothing to improve my life. Sure I can be touched by a good testimony or an inspiring story but in reality, it does nothing that watching a good movie or cartoon can't do... and at the end of the day, I care about my life not someone else's.
Do I blame God for my perdicament? I want to but I can't. I'm not sure I believe anymore.
Instead of rationalizing that it isn't God's plan or his time... or any other convoluted thing that believers say to justify why God allows bad things to happen. It is clearer and more straightforward to accept that I am just living out the bitter consequences of my earlier action of resigning from a job I didn't like. I am responsible for my own actions and there is nothing for it but for me pull myself together, and plod on.
There is no divine hand.
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